A decision for me!
So recently I have been debating about the number of classes to take, plans for research, what I'm going to take in the future, etc. It basically boils down to this:
I have to take 6 classes to get my Master's and write, well, a book (i.e. my Master's thesis). I can try to finish my Mater's my December 2006 or May 2007, but I have to take the qualifying exam (which includes a horrible amount of time and studying) in January 2007. I will most likely take the exam and stay for my PhD (although there is debate on that), but I would consider focusing on work they do in the Man Vehicle Lab or in Engineering Systems Division (instead of my current location in the Space Systems Lab). So anyways, my thought was to graduate in Dec 2006, take 3 classes this semester, and take one class in the fall while studying for quals.
Then I thought, "Why??". I am in no real hurry to leave (other than the fact that I'm currently looking for some partial funding from the department for next year), I love Boston, I really like MIT, and there is so much more I want to do here. So that kind of decided, I needed to think about the classes I'm taking this semester. I needed to do 3 of the 4 of the following (I've been signed up for all 4 until today): take 18.075 (advanced calculus), 18.085 (linear alegbra and calculus course), engineering risk-benefit analysis (which was a definite), and audit biomedical life support engineering. I thought it would be best to take the 3 classes (normally, students take 2 and sometimes listen to 1) and not audit the interesting class. But NO! I made a decision for myself, dropped 18.085, and am listening to the biomed class that I wanted to take in the first place (but didn't have room in my schedule). Yay!
I think I feel confident about this decision. It's going to be a busy semester being the lead of two teams of undergrads, writing my thesis, and trying to do some part time work for Aerospace Corp (we'll see how that goes). I want to enjoy my time here at MIT (and in life in general!), so I'm looking forward to the rest of this semester. :-)
Lack of drive
We'll do the important then the fun stuff today.
Ok now for the perplexing stuff:
Lately I just haven't been excited by space. I don't know if it's that I feel removed from the future of space because that is yet to be determined, I'm discouraged by the likelihood of our research project launching, or there is no current huge mission getting the public's attention (like MER), but I just don't feel motivated and driven like I used to. I undergrad I was partly pushed by myself to get the 4.0, and classes were almost my sole educational focus. Now I'm trying to balance classes (and trying to decide which ones to take still), being the new team leader for the systems and the satellite bus teams for my research (I have 14 undergrads and one grad student working for me!), planning my thesis, applying for conferences, remembering that I'm not working on the Aerospace Corp work I need to do, and debating about whether I should get a PhD. Just writing all that gets me stressed out again.
This past semester I realized how much more I enjoy everything else I do outside of work. Don't get me wrong, I do somewhat enjoy classes and the Mars Gravity research work, but having a life outside of school is now so much more important to me. I will never be the engineer who works 70 hours a week on SpaceShipOne, which means I might never be the Program Manager that works non-stop to ensure mission success. Where is the girl that had specific goals and ambitions that were near or at the top of the priority list. I used to do alright at balancing fun and friends with work, but now the scale is leaning toward the fun, to a point where I have almost lost the drive that I once had. I mean, I work hard now because it's what's expected of me, but not because it's what I love.
I'd be interested in hearing any thoughts you have to help me deal with these thoughts. Please comment or e-mail me. Thanks :-)
So the fun stuff of the past week:
Last weekend we went on the SSL (Space Systems Lab) ski trip. We spent 3 days at Sunday River with 45 of our wonderful labmates (including the director of our lab), and Sarah did a great job planning it. I am getting to be a much better, more confident skiier, and I've put Dave to the challenge of me on my skis vs. him on his snowboard, since last time we went, it was my first time back on the slopes in 8 years. I can ski blacks decently now, but I prefer the blues. I actually tried snowboarding for half a day, and I got so that I could make it down a green (albeit falling every 50 yards or so). I definitely was sore for 5 days after that, and my wrist still feels a little funny. Some recommendations: a helmet (mine definitely saved me on at least one occasion), wrist guards (like the ones rollerbladers use), knee pads, and a butt pad or some sort to protect that precious booty. :-) I'd like to try it again sometime soon, but I think skiing is better (for now at least) since I still have lots of improvements to make there.
Oh, and I took a big step and broke the CD. That might not mean anything to any of you, but it does to me.
A positive spin on theft
I was at church yesterday, and while we were in the sanctuary, someone came in and stole 5-6 items from the coatroom, including wallets and a backpack. After the service, everyone hangs out for a light brunch, and they made an announcement that someone was missing their wallet. Then someone interjected that their red backpack was missing. A few minutes later, they reported 5-6 personal belongings were gone, and people should notify their credit companies. Then, the person standing on the chair, asked everyone to pray with her. She asked for the safe return of the items, but then, she also asked that God be with those who took the wallets. As she went on, a murmur of "amens" echoed around the room. The lady on the chair asked God to bless the people who took their items because they need help and they need God. She didn't get angry; she got hopeful. In a similar vain, during the sermon about the "Sanctity of Life" a few weeks ago on the Roe v Wade anniversary, the first words out of the pastor's mouth was that it's ok if you've had an abortion or have dealt with those issues; you are welcome here, and you are loved by God.
These are messages of warm welcoming and love for ALL people, not of hate because you made a bad decision in God's eyes. That's what Christianity is all about. He still loves you and forgives you, and they have no reason to turn away from the church. After four weeks, this church has proven to me that it could be exactly what I am looking for in a church. Some place welcoming, caring, loving, energetic, and personal all at the same time. Come check it out with me some time. :-)
Leading salsa
So other than a few times of salsa dancing in undergrad, I pretty much picked it up when I came to MIT and started dancing with the Boston Rueda group. Since I went to about two practices a week, I started learning pretty quickly, but we would go over a lot of the same moves. I don't mean to sound egotistical, but I pick up the moves pretty quickly, and I would get a little bored when we would go over them a lot. So then one day I started learning how to become a leader. I guess I learned how to be a leader fairly easily because I can mentally reverse the roles and not need to re-learn the move to be able to lead it.
It really made me realize that I'm good at this when, during one of my first practices with them, the advanced rueda group let me lead. And yesterday, I switched from being a follower to a leader halfway through an MIT Rueda workshop, and some of the girls commented that I was their favorite leader. :-) I know all of that made me sound like a complete egotistical jerk, but dancing makes me happy, and I wanted to share this.
Speaking of the MIT rueda group - I don't understand them. I dance with a Boston Rueda group, and we have about 6 practices a week, where we focus on teaching all levels of rueda. All our lessons are free, and everyone that teaches is a volunteer. The MIT Rueda group holds workshops a few times a semester, charges a decent amount of money, and holds exclusive practices once a week. I've e-mailed the MIT Rueda exec a few times and their president specifically once, but I've yet to receive any sort of response. Why do they have to be so unresponsive and seemingly unwelcoming? I talked to someone at the workshop yesterday, and he said he would talk to the president about getting back to me, so we'll see. I would just like to dance with people from MIT in addition to the Boston group, and why does that have to be so hard?
Playing hooky to ski
So on Tuesday night at 10, I decided it would be totally fun to go skiing the next day. I wasn't focused at work that day, I wanted to get a day in before the Space Systems Lab ski trip next weekend, and IAP (the period over which we don't have classes and just have to work) was almost over. So I got 2 of my officemates to come with me, and we went to
Loon, in New Hampshire. It was a gorgeous day with few people and great conditions. I kept thinking of every run how great it was to be there and how happy I was that I made that spur of the moment decisions. It's wonderful - I'm becoming more relaxed, less anxious about work, and more willing to skip out on a few responsibilities just because it makes me happy.
Nareg and George convinced me to try the black diamonds, which was the first time I'd attempted those since I stopped skiing back in eighth grade. I think it was partly slightly easier conditions and my new helmet, but I'm getting to be a much more confident skiier.
That night, we came back for Wine Wednesday, then I had an awesome time hanging out afterwards, salsa dancing and listening to Alex sing and play the guitar. What a frickin great day. Thursday was productive, and Friday we had an awesome Mars Gravity party, where we watched Office Space and ate lots of good food (including an ice cream sundae bar, yum).
