Loneliness
It's hard to feel lonely, really. It helps to be surrounded by great friends and to be able to visit and see my dad's family in Vegas, but that's not it. It helps to have a lot of things going on and keeping me busy, but you know, that's not it either. The reason that I can't feel lonely is because whenever I do, I think about my mom, and how lonely she must be. When I think about her and her pain, it's nearly impossible for me to feel sorry for myself. I even feel guilty for feeling lonely! I suppose I
am lonely since my dad is no longer with us, but I won't let myself
feel lonely.
I need to accept the fact that it's okay for both me and my mom to feel lonely. Our loneliness might not be equal, but we equally have the right to feel that way. (And to be honest, I feel lonely because I miss having a special guy in my life - part of that being my dad, but part of it also being a significant other). I need to get over feeling guilty, and know that me feeling lonely does not minimize my mom's loneliness.
Father's Day
You gave me everything, Dad. Your
strength taught me to stand up for myself. Your
values led me to love this country and want to serve it in the ways I best can. Your
independence showed me that I don't have to follow the main stream. Your
intelligence made me fall in love with NASA and become an aerospace engineer. Your unending
support made me thrive in the hardest of environments. Your
understanding made me know that whatever I do and whoever I become, I will always be loved. I wish I could tell you this now, but I know you know how much we love and cherish you. Can you read a blog from heaven? I wish you were here to give me a hug, because I need it. I love you dad. And I miss you terribly.
Back to the ATL
Driving around Georgia Tech for the first time in 3 years this past weekend made me miss my Alma Mater. When I thought about it then, I couldn't pinpoint exactly what I missed, but we (me and 2 former roommates) oohed and awed over the beautiful new buildings, our awesome workout center, and our dorm where we lived in the infamous room 207. But of course it's not the buildings I miss – it's the people, especially my roommates. This weekend, which brought us together for Melissa's bachelorette party, reminded me how comfortable I am with these girls and how much I miss their company. After a few years apart, it was like we'd never left (but this time we had many more stories to tell!).
And I should just say, I am so proud of Melissa. She had no idea what was going to be involved in her bachelorette party, and she took it like a champ. 12 hours, 10 drinks, and 40 singles later, she was still holding her own. The next day was a rough one from her, but she still told us she had an awesome time. :-)
People Matters
I realized I was off last night. I thought it would help to list the things I have to spend money on so that I could wrap my head around it and be ready for the expense. But as I walked into work this morning, I started to list all the GOOD things about this weekend:
Melissa (whom I haven't seen in 1.5 years)
Emily (whom I haven't seen in 2.5 years!)
Jenny
Hannah
Uncle Kurt
Aunt Mary
My cousins Jake and Tommy
Obviously, I realized it's the people. Of course, the parties, gossip/stories, good food, getting pampered, and lots of other fun helps too. So I'm excited. Maybe still a little worried, but very excited. :-)
Money Matters
I've been making good progress on not worrying about money, but I guess I still can't help some things. I say I've been good because I don't worry about going out to eat, getting drinks, buying some new clothes, getting things for the apartment, etc., and this is progress for me.
But I could tell I was worried all day today about this weekend. This weekend is going to be an epic adventure - we are going to celebrate Melissa's final days as a single woman in Atlanta! And there is no doubt in my mind it will be fun. But living out here in CA means a lot of flights, and flights are getting really expensive. So then I start to worry.
You have the flight, the parking, the seat fee (because Airtran is greedy), the standby fee (because Airtran is more greedy), the train, the mani/pedi, multiple dinners, multiple drinks, multiple pieces of entertainment, and I'm probably not even getting it all. But I really truly need to get over this worry! I have to consider this a vacation and a mini 207 reunion and try to NOT worry about money. It's also a time to get to spend quality time with Melissa, since we won't really be able to at the wedding. If I want to get sappy, money is just money, but these will be great memories. And this is a time to create and cherish those memories.
I was hoping this writing would help me feel better, but it didn't really work. I would say I'd sleep on it, but that hasn't been getting any better either, so maybe I'll toss and turn on it, and I'll be able to breath easier tomorrow.
(P.S. If you're reading this Melissa, since I know you at least used to read my blog, don't you worry your pretty little head - this is my problem to deal with, and it's about time I did!)
