Lack of drive
We'll do the important then the fun stuff today.Ok now for the perplexing stuff:
Lately I just haven't been excited by space. I don't know if it's that I feel removed from the future of space because that is yet to be determined, I'm discouraged by the likelihood of our research project launching, or there is no current huge mission getting the public's attention (like MER), but I just don't feel motivated and driven like I used to. I undergrad I was partly pushed by myself to get the 4.0, and classes were almost my sole educational focus. Now I'm trying to balance classes (and trying to decide which ones to take still), being the new team leader for the systems and the satellite bus teams for my research (I have 14 undergrads and one grad student working for me!), planning my thesis, applying for conferences, remembering that I'm not working on the Aerospace Corp work I need to do, and debating about whether I should get a PhD. Just writing all that gets me stressed out again.
This past semester I realized how much more I enjoy everything else I do outside of work. Don't get me wrong, I do somewhat enjoy classes and the Mars Gravity research work, but having a life outside of school is now so much more important to me. I will never be the engineer who works 70 hours a week on SpaceShipOne, which means I might never be the Program Manager that works non-stop to ensure mission success. Where is the girl that had specific goals and ambitions that were near or at the top of the priority list. I used to do alright at balancing fun and friends with work, but now the scale is leaning toward the fun, to a point where I have almost lost the drive that I once had. I mean, I work hard now because it's what's expected of me, but not because it's what I love.
I'd be interested in hearing any thoughts you have to help me deal with these thoughts. Please comment or e-mail me. Thanks :-)
So the fun stuff of the past week:
Last weekend we went on the SSL (Space Systems Lab) ski trip. We spent 3 days at Sunday River with 45 of our wonderful labmates (including the director of our lab), and Sarah did a great job planning it. I am getting to be a much better, more confident skiier, and I've put Dave to the challenge of me on my skis vs. him on his snowboard, since last time we went, it was my first time back on the slopes in 8 years. I can ski blacks decently now, but I prefer the blues. I actually tried snowboarding for half a day, and I got so that I could make it down a green (albeit falling every 50 yards or so). I definitely was sore for 5 days after that, and my wrist still feels a little funny. Some recommendations: a helmet (mine definitely saved me on at least one occasion), wrist guards (like the ones rollerbladers use), knee pads, and a butt pad or some sort to protect that precious booty. :-) I'd like to try it again sometime soon, but I think skiing is better (for now at least) since I still have lots of improvements to make there.
Oh, and I took a big step and broke the CD. That might not mean anything to any of you, but it does to me.
posted by Biff @ 12:00 AM
5 Comments:
I think questioning yourself is only natural considering it is a huge committment to decide to do a PhD. You just ask yourself, is there something else I would rather be doing. Of course there are the fun things, but if there is something else work or academic-wise that you want to be doing, then give that a good thought. Or you may realize that you really do like what you are doing. I also think it's natural to like the fun parts more. For so long we are driven by getting good grades to get into college, get into grad school, get the perfect job... but eventually I realized that that is not the most important part of my life, and I think that's what you are sort of thinking now. Anyway, this has been a long post but just know that what you are feeling is okay and you can work through it!!
Thanks Katie. :-) I think it's that I would like to be many other things other than an engineer, but most of those jobs don't seem fulfilling enough to use my precious time on this Earth to do. I need something interesting, challenging, and meaningful. I suppose Aerospace Engineering does supply those things, but at the moment I don't see my life being those things. I hear all grad students go through this at some point, so I shouldn't be too worried, but it's unpleasant! Thanks, though, and I'll let you know how it goes.
Here's my two cents. You've been doing this (aerospace eng) for a while now, so it isn't cool and exciting to you anymore. Try explaining it to someone, or wait and see the expression on a stranger's face when he asks "What do you do?" and you say "I do Mars Gravity research at MIT." I'll bet you anything he'll look in turn shocked, amazed, and impressed. Because what you do is amazing and impressive. But to see that, you have to step back and look in at the amazing things you're working toward and accomplishing instead of sitting at the desk or in the lab doing the nitty gritty every day stuff. So there, that was probably more like ten cents, but it's yours for the taking :)
Well thank you for your 10 cents. I have to go up to Harvard today to recruit more people for our Mars Gravity project, so maybe that will give me a good impression. We have this over-happy promo video we show, and it's very positive. Maybe I can just turn the part of my brain off that brings me back to the reality of our lack of funding to carry out the mission. That's also something I'll have to get used to, since aerospace missions often get cancelled midway through the development. My brain is a little dead at the moment, and I can't seem to put into words the rest of what my mind is wrestling with at the moment. But thanks Rebekah. :-) Telling people outside of MIT that I meet about what I do is at least an ego boost, so I'll go do that now. Or go to class. Damn. Haha.
hey biff, i think its normal for you to be questioning everything right now. You've been in school your whole life, and you're in the transition point from school to graduate work to more of a career soon and im sure you're feeling lots of doubts. Its better to get all those thoughts now and sort them out, rather then in 3-4 years when you're almost done with your PhD. In the end, you gotta trust your best judgement and try and figure out what it is you really want, and im sure you'll make the best decision for you. In the end, i would just try to keep balancing the fun you are having with your academic work....and enjoy both as much as you can....its not about focusing everything in your life on one thing...but balancing all the things in your life as best you can. good luck shorty:)
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