Would you like to dance around the world with me?

A Decision?

So last night was the first time I really freaked out about this decision. I think the fact that it's January and I have yet to figure out what I want to do scares me. I've figured out some things I'm surprised that I am willing to admit about myself, though, and I think they're telling.

I know what I want to do, but I want to be comfortable with what I want to do. You ready for it? Well, I want to take a job that will maybe help me figure out what I would want to get a PhD in, and then maybe I will return to school later to get a PhD. And I want to be comfortable with that decision. Now here are my thoughts about how to be comfortable with that:

I realized that I only want a PhD because of the image (and respect and confidence) I think people with PhDs get. I also think I should get a PhD because that's what people expect me to do, and they would be disappointed in me if I don't get a PhD. And, the real kicker, is that I've never thought I was smart, so having a PhD will help to convince people that I am smart and will prove that I am better somehow. All of this may lead to regret of not getting a PhD. Something is broken in my head, and I'll think I am a quitter or a failure if I stop now.

So my problem? Apparently self esteem and confidence. My parents and my awesome friend Dan helped me these last two days in realizing that people do think I'm amazing and a good aerospace engineer, so I shouldn't worry about that. Sarah and Dr. Braun both said that no one cares in industry unless you want to do research or teach, but neither of those have ever really interested me all that much. I need to believe, though, that I am fully capable of, well, kicking butt in the workplace, and no "little piece of paper", as Dan called it, can determine my self-worth. I should also not worry that my friends or professors will think I'm a quitter. This is my choice, and I'm smart no matter what.

My parents point out that I need to do what makes me happy. And when faced with the decision based on that, the jobs excite me more, and I think I would be happy taking a job. Not to be dramatic, but this life is really too short to waste time doing things that won't make us happy. Getting a PhD could end up being a huge waste of time for me, and I would be doing it just for the sake of having 'Dr.' in front of my name. And, I know it would be hard, but going back to school is always an option. As I mentioned, I really like the idea of finding out my passion and getting a PhD later, if that's what I need.

The other big issue is motivation. I suppose I know that I am smart enough to do the PhD, but will it really be all that enjoyable if I'm not really excited about what I'm working on? The fear of regret and the desire to be called "Dr. Biff" isn't enough to get through the 3-4 years of tough times necessary to get a PhD. Or is it? Rationally, probably not.

I also need to think out of the MIT bubble. Both Sarah and Scott mentioned that we're surrounded by over-achievers, and therefore we are also motivated by them. Of course I've always been an over-achiever, but I need to stop, take a look around, and see what the world is really like.

This post has kind of jumped around, and congratulations if you made it this far. Now it's time to relax, enjoy my last night at home in VA, and be comfortable with the fact that it's ok not to get a PhD... for now. :-)

posted by Biff @ 5:13 PM