Would you like to dance around the world with me?

Playing for Change

2009-12-07T23:49:00.003-05:00

JP and I recently went to a concert by a band calling Playing for Change, which is a group of street/local musicians from all over the world, that were put together to form a band that is all about peace and spreading its message through music. In fact, their touring concert is raising money to start music education programs in poor areas of the world, to bring peace and hope to those areas. It all started as a guy who went around recording different musicians and splicing them together for videos on youtube. This is a great one: http://www.playingforchange.com/episodes/2/Stand_by_Me, which includes over 35 musicians who never met in person.

The show was really powerful, and the band was absolutely amazing, especially since something like 10 different countries were represented in just the one band. The beloved frontman, called Grandpa, is a blind street musician from New Orleans. His voice is different, but everyone seems to love him. At the end, after the encore, Grandpa was left alone on the stage, and everyone was quiet. I kind of wondered if he was waiting for someone to help him off the stage.

But after another seemingly long pause, he started singing, low and slow, a capella style. "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound," and the waves of memories of my dad washed over me. I pulled JP closer and just hugged him and tried not to listen.
"That saved a wretch like me." But of course I could hear what he was singing.
"I, I, I once was lost, oh, and now I'm found." This was my dad's favorite song, and every time I hear it, I think of him and miss him. A lot.
"Was blind, but now I see." But then I thought about this man and what this song meant to him. I thought about how much this song is true for him. And maybe, even hopefully, this song can take on a new meaning for me, so that every time I hear it, I can think of the positive instead of the sadness.

http://www.playingforchange.com/episodes/19/Amazing_Grace_Live_in_Boston

Time is wasting, Time is walking

2009-09-27T16:05:00.004-05:00

Wow, Amy and Rebekah are going to be so happy! I'm updating my blog!

Something I've been thinking about lately is time. We now can pause a movie, rewind on TV, return an unwanted item, and undo on the computer, but as each second passes, I can never get it back. That's downright frightening. (Perhaps because I am pretty scared of death and the end of time as I know it.) How many seconds pass where I am wasting precious moments. But then I think about how utterly exhausted and imbalanced I would be if I tried to fill every single second of every single day. And what about sleep?! That's super unproductive. I wonder why we were made to need sleep. Whether you believe in God or evolution or a mixture of both, why do we need so much sleep? You think natural selection would have kicked that habit by now. But back to passing time. I think more now about how I spend each minute that I am awake, and not that every minute can be a life-changing and meaningful event, I want them all to have a purpose. What do you think about time?

Did I just admit to that?

2009-07-20T16:32:00.001-05:00

We didn't want to say the truth the first time someone asked us. Someone would ask, and I would stare at him, and he at me, trying to discuss without words, but failing because we still didn't know each other that well. And they asked again: "How did you two meet?" And finally I gave in, hoping he wouldn't mind. "We met online," I said. The look we got in return wasn't nearly as close to you-are-desperate-and-crazy-and-unable-to-meet-anyone-without-the-internet as I thought it would be. That day, and in the times people have asked Juan Pablo and I since, people are actually interested in hearing more about online dating. And they don't think we're lame. At least they don't say that to my face... One person even made the comment to us that they were glad to see that normal people can find good relationships online! That made me happy. It's nice to not want to hide how we met, and I'm actually kind of proud to be a good example!

So people want to know what sites I used, and since I wasn't sure I wanted to commit money to online dating, I used plentyoffish.com and okcupid.com, which are free sites. I like okcupid's site more, but Juan Pablo and I met on plentyoffish, so I'm obviously partial to that. I had someone (thanks Hannah!) help me fix up my description so it didn't read like a textbook. And for the ladies, I would highly recommend looking for guys yourself and not waiting around till they contact you. You will get contacted, but you might not find the quality guys until you do some digging. Hence how I find JP.

And things are great. :)

Fortunate Life

2009-03-12T21:48:00.002-05:00

I was driving back from San Diego last weekend from a trip to hang out with my friend Nick, when I started thinking about how fortunate I am. Seriously. Of course there are the basics, like the fact that I have a great job (and still have it, which is better than many in this economy) and a loving family. But what got me really thinking is the great times I've had over the past few months with friends. In the last two weeks, I've been to San Diego (including hiking and ice skating), a Lakers game, dancing, to Joshua Tree National Park, skiing, to see the debut of an up and coming boy band, and to the club Les Deux (where apparently the stars from the Hills went all last season). It makes me a little tired just to think about the last two weeks. (And if I went back 3 weeks, I'd get to include the Oscar's!)

And I'm not saying this to brag (really!), though it might sound like it. I'm just saying this because all the sudden it hit me that life is awesomely fun, and I appreciate these opportunities. I definitely take advantage of LA and its surroundings, so it makes sense, but it also makes me happy. :-) Now off for some margaritas!

Skiing!

2009-02-08T23:02:00.003-05:00

Well I just seem to have a good thing going on here - I spent last weekend in Breckenridge with a large group of friends from MIT, and today we went to Mt Baldy and got to enjoy the powder there, just an hour from Pasadena. Let me tell you: ridiculously awesome. We went to Colorado midday Thursday, and after picking up the car, Lucy, groceries, and beer, we headed off to the cabin. It could have fit 26 people, but we only had 16, so there was plenty of room for everyone. And it was still crazy cheep. The best thing was the people, of course. We had a mixture of Wine Wednesday crew and Space Systems Lab people. It was great to see everyone together. We spent two days at Breckenridge and one day at Loveland. I think the coolest thing was skiing from the Continental Divide - the top of the mountain in the linked picture. It was scary (since I'm somewhat afraid of heights) but gorgeous all at the same time.

But I'm exhausted now writing this because we spent all day today at Mt. Baldy skiing. I am the smart one that went salsa dancing last night and got less than 4 hours of sleep, but the 2 feet of powder today was worth it for sure! We got to explore new territory, somewhat off trail, through powder that you had to keep moving through in order to not sink too far. We were also skiing through the clouds, literally, so we could barely see 30 feet in front of us. I would have rather had more visibility, but the powder was worth it! It's amazing to me to that Mt. Baldy is so close to Pasadena, yet its a completely different world. Because of the clouds, we couldn't see LA from the top, and the falling snow and fresh powder made skiing very quiet and peaceful (but of course thrilling!).

Francis Collins' talk: The Language of God

2009-02-06T01:40:00.003-05:00

I just got back from a talk by Francis Collins, who was the head of the human genome project, and wrote a book called The Language of God: A Scientist Presents Evidence for Belief. I'd seen him speak at MIT about 2 years ago, and I find that my mind works (and not to use hyperbole, but it's true) just like Collins'. He was an agnostic who started looking into faith from a rational perspective, and he was able to come to the conclusion that there is a God, without going against science and logical thoughts. I will not do justice in reiterating his arguments, so here is the lecture if you'd like to take a look (it's long, but it's excellent): http://franciscollinstalk.stanford.edu/video. Or see him on the Colbert Report.

I suppose I like Collins so much because I don't feel so alone in my thoughts when I know someone as intelligent as he is is also thinking the same thing. It's okay to wonder about where we came from, how God got there, what we will evolve into, and pretty much anything else unexplainable through current science. At one point while thinking about all of these issues, I leaned over to Elliot and said "my brain is about to explode." Not 3 minutes later, Collins says "And how do you think my brain doesn't explode?" While we don't have all the answers, it's because all these issues are not contrary to science, and they're not contrary to faith.

The thing is, there is still doubt, of course, which is argued to be an element of faith. I really dislike doubt - it's a cloud that hangs over my head all the time. But it's talks like these that help me understand a little more of my own questioning, and at the same time, a little more of my own faith.

Next up: The awesomeness that was our Breckenridge trip last weekend.

Agent Orange Letter to the Editor

2009-01-14T11:53:00.004-05:00

This is a letter to the editor of the Times Herald Tribune in upstate New York that my grandfather wrote. The number of fast moving cancer-related deaths in my dad's West Point class (and other years that also served in Vietnam) from West Point is disproportionately high, yet the Veterans' Affairs Office refuses to admit they are wrong.

Toll of Agent Orange

Vietnam, a war that will not end. A war that continues to stalk and claim its victims decades after the last shots were fired. A war of rainbow herbicides; significantly, Agent Orange.

Millions of gallons of Agent Orange were sprayed over Vietnam's forests. Ground troops lived and slept in the chemical mist. Ate it in their food and water. They breathed it. Chemical companies producing Agent Orange, revealed that Dioxin, a highly toxic impurity in Agent Orange, was responsible for health problems in their plant workers and animals.

Our government has recognized some health issues related to herbicides. Independent studies have proven other forms of cancer are related to Agent Orange. Denial on this issue exists because of the hundreds of millions of dollars that would have to be paid if the truth were exposed. Veterans and their families continue to suffer the effects of Agent Orange. Our daughter's beloved husband, a Vietnam combat infantry veteran with two tours, succumbed this year to a rapidly spreading cancer. Read the obituaries. You will note the prematurely departed. Many served in Vietnam.

Their names could be added to the Vietnam Memorial Wall.

Casualties of the herbicide that followed them home.

Theodore Nielsen

Highland Falls

The White and Black Uniforms

2009-01-08T01:53:00.003-05:00

A few nights ago, Berta (Lindsay's mom) was telling us about her and Bill's visit to the Rose Bowl Parade events. Instead of going to the actual parade, they went to see the marching bands perform. She thought the shows were excellent, but the main thing on Berta's mind were the uniforms (see, Berta was our high school marching band's uniform keeper, so of course she had an opinion of the uniforms). She was particularly excited about one band's uniforms that were black on the right half of the person and white on the left half of the person. Now, Berta went on about their upkeep and how striking they were, but that's not really relevant to the story.

I bring up these uniforms because it's the best way to describe how I'm feeling. It feels like one half of me is completely happy and lucky - I've done a good job on Constellation and was recognized for it, and now I get to move onto a flight project; I got to spend time with family over the holidays and get away from work; I'm dating a great guy who makes me smile a lot; I have a place to live and a warm bed; I mean the list could go on, and I probably should continue listing only the positives. Then the other half is sad and is constantly haunted by images of my dad's last days. Whenever there is a lull - like when I am driving, or trying to fall asleep, or sometimes even a quiet moment at work - my mind reminds me with scenes from the hospital or from the funeral that my dad is no longer with us.

I flip back and forth between these two sides (insert some simile about a marching band pivoting back and forth, switching between the two sides of their white and black uniforms) in a heartbeat. It's a very odd feeling to be utterly happy one moment and wanting to cry out (or punch a wall!) the next. These next few weeks will be rough, so bear with me, and I promise some entertaining stories soon!

Veterans Day

2008-11-11T11:17:00.004-05:00

Valor is stability, not of legs and arms, but of courage and the soul. ~Michel de Montaigne

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. ~Elmer Davis

Thank you Dad, and all the other veterans, for your service and your love of this country.

Well done Dad, Be Thou At Peace.

Moments and Boston

2008-11-10T10:40:00.000-05:00

This blog is a week or two old, but it's been a busy few weeks, so here ya go:

Every few moments (and I define a moment as a small event, such as a new commercial on TV, a question from someone, or perhaps a memory triggered by something simple) yesterday, I felt lonely or sad. And I didn’t mind. In fact, I kept thinking about it, maybe trying to prolong the feelings, partly because I haven’t been feeling much lately, and I desperately wanted to feel. It’s like stopping to smell the roses, which I do sometimes even when I’m on a run. Being able to pause and relish in my feelings, whether they are happy or sad, is something I haven’t been doing much of the past few weeks.

On top of that, I didn’t really want to leave Boston last week. It was so great to see the whole gang, old and new, but it was such a brief trip, really. I know part of it was great because I was visiting and people are excited to have me there, which made me feel very loved. I never thought I would say this, but Boston felt homey, smaller, and even slightly more welcoming than LA (even though everyone says people in the Northeast are much more unfriendly and cold). I was reluctant and sad to leave. I mean, I love JPL and California, and I have a lot of great friends, but it, for probably a good reason, feels a tad lonely.

But I bet you want to know what I did in Boston. Well, Lucy’s birthday was the day I got in, so we went out dancing with everybody. We didn’t go to our old sketchy stand by; we went to the best dance club in Boston, so they tell me, and it was great. We need to do more of that in LA (which we actually did on Halloween, so yay us). The next day, I met up with 4 of my sorority sisters. I was in XOT (or Coyote), which was a small, local sorority, so I find it amazing that 5 of us were in Boston at the same time (me for work, Rebekah for an internship, and 3 for school). We had a fantastic historic day in the North End and on the Freedom Trail. I could even impress them with my history tidbits that I learned on a tour of the Freedom Trail when I started MIT. That evening was a chill night with Lucy, Marissa, Nareg, and Jess, and at that moment, it felt like I was back living in Boston. I also went to church, which is a great small community full of vibrance and warmth, had lunch with Danielle, helped teach a salsa class to the deaf community, danced with my old group (I miss that small community too!), hung out in the SSL, celebrated Jeff’s birthday, spent some time with V, and oh, worked too to recruit people for JPL! What a weekend.  I can’t wait till Vegas guys!

Since when did California become about inequality?

2008-11-05T08:46:00.004-05:00

Wow, it has been a long time since I've posted. I actually have about 5 blogs half-written, but none posted yet. I am going to work on that (perhaps today on the plane, as I head off to DC/Baltimore for the Society of Women Engineers conference). I should first say that I'm nervous and excited about Obama, but what a great day for America. Californians were also amazing in their support for farm animals. They chose to eliminate certain types of crates for veal and pigs as well as battery cages for chickens. That means the animals will be able to move and turn around their whole lives, which is NOT how they have lived so far! This is a great step toward reducing animal suffering (prior to when they are killed of course, but we don't have to go there now). This is a great step.

What I really wanted to write about (and now I'm almost out of time since I need to get to my flight) was how disappointed I am that 52% of the Californians that voted did so to ban same sex marriages. This is not just a law - it goes in the state constitution. I am even more disappointed, as a Christian, that other Christians chose to vote yes. We, as Christians and as Americans, are supposed to be about equality and separation of church and state, and this amendment that now looks like it is going to pass violates BOTH of those things. I am saddened for my state, the people of the state, and especially for my gay friends who deserve the right to marry.

September 11th

2008-09-12T00:12:00.002-05:00

I have a lot of bad dreams, but I had a very bad dream about a week ago. I was flying in a plane, and I had a layover in the midwest somewhere. I could see out of the front of the cockpit for some reason, and as we come in for landing, I realize we are going in pretty steeply. In my dream, I begin to understand we're going to crash, and I begin to pray that somehow we make it through. I also start concentrating very hard, hoping that if I focus enough, and if I do die, I will find out what it's like to die, and what happens after death. So, in my dream, I'm concentrating really hard, and I start to get very warm, and I continue to get warm and continue concentrating until I wake up, where I am sweating and startled, but lying in my bed.

So that night I didn't go back to sleep that easily. In fact, I lay awake for a long time, thinking and worrying.

Today, on the 7th anniversary of September 11th, there was discussion of "where were you" and "what were you thinking." They showed the memorials on the news, and the bagpipes were playing Amazing Grace. I teared up, as I do every time I hear that song, since it was my dad's favorite. When it came to the last memorial service, that of Flight 93, I got to thinking again. Those people knew the intentions of the terrorists on their plane, and they were brave enough to bring themselves to certain death in order to save the lives of others. Could I do that? How would you feel, looking out the window, knowing you will die in just a few short seconds? I am so afraid of death that I honestly don't even want to contemplate that further.

It ties to a thought I have about death. I've realized, in thinking about death since my dad's illness, that I wouldn't want to know that I have a certain amount of time left. I guess now I know part of what scares me about death is simply facing it. I'm not quite sure how to fix that. I better stop writing about all this now, or I won't be able to sleep tonight.

Rationale and Apathy

2008-09-04T00:18:00.002-05:00

Well, there were a number of responses outside of my blog to the last post. As to reasons why I attract players, some reasons include:
- I have an aura of confidence
- I have boobs
- I am a female
- I am not afraid to flirt and have fun
- I meet people at parties, and apparently players go to parties! (Well, the continuation is that I'm attracted to other outgoing people, and those people tend to be players.)

That is a lot of stereotyping of players, but I guess it could be true. I did learn a lot, and I promise you nice guys, you won't always finish last.

On a total change of subject, I feel very apathetic, and I can't place why I feel that way. It's like I should love my life and my job and be happy, but I'm not. Sometimes I say that I am, but deep down inside, something is off. I keep trying to shake it, but it won't leave me alone. I just keep chugging and keep hoping this shadow will disappear.

The players love me

2008-08-24T11:01:00.003-05:00

I have a problem. I attract players. Even if they'd never met me before that moment, they still gravitate towards me. And it needs to stop! I'm really not interested in that; I'm ready for a normal relationship.

But what is it about me that attracts the players? This isn't a rhetorical question - I really want to know! I'll go ponder this today and see if I can figure it out myself... but input is welcome!

Loneliness

2008-06-24T23:27:00.003-05:00

It's hard to feel lonely, really. It helps to be surrounded by great friends and to be able to visit and see my dad's family in Vegas, but that's not it. It helps to have a lot of things going on and keeping me busy, but you know, that's not it either. The reason that I can't feel lonely is because whenever I do, I think about my mom, and how lonely she must be. When I think about her and her pain, it's nearly impossible for me to feel sorry for myself. I even feel guilty for feeling lonely! I suppose I am lonely since my dad is no longer with us, but I won't let myself feel lonely.

I need to accept the fact that it's okay for both me and my mom to feel lonely. Our loneliness might not be equal, but we equally have the right to feel that way. (And to be honest, I feel lonely because I miss having a special guy in my life - part of that being my dad, but part of it also being a significant other). I need to get over feeling guilty, and know that me feeling lonely does not minimize my mom's loneliness.

Father's Day

2008-06-16T00:27:00.005-05:00

You gave me everything, Dad. Your strength taught me to stand up for myself. Your values led me to love this country and want to serve it in the ways I best can. Your independence showed me that I don't have to follow the main stream. Your intelligence made me fall in love with NASA and become an aerospace engineer. Your unending support made me thrive in the hardest of environments. Your understanding made me know that whatever I do and whoever I become, I will always be loved. I wish I could tell you this now, but I know you know how much we love and cherish you. Can you read a blog from heaven? I wish you were here to give me a hug, because I need it. I love you dad. And I miss you terribly.

Back to the ATL

2008-06-14T12:26:00.000-05:00

Driving around Georgia Tech for the first time in 3 years this past weekend made me miss my Alma Mater. When I thought about it then, I couldn't pinpoint exactly what I missed, but we (me and 2 former roommates) oohed and awed over the beautiful new buildings, our awesome workout center, and our dorm where we lived in the infamous room 207. But of course it's not the buildings I miss – it's the people, especially my roommates. This weekend, which brought us together for Melissa's bachelorette party, reminded me how comfortable I am with these girls and how much I miss their company. After a few years apart, it was like we'd never left (but this time we had many more stories to tell!).

And I should just say, I am so proud of Melissa. She had no idea what was going to be involved in her bachelorette party, and she took it like a champ. 12 hours, 10 drinks, and 40 singles later, she was still holding her own. The next day was a rough one from her, but she still told us she had an awesome time. :-)

People Matters

2008-06-03T09:31:00.002-05:00

I realized I was off last night. I thought it would help to list the things I have to spend money on so that I could wrap my head around it and be ready for the expense. But as I walked into work this morning, I started to list all the GOOD things about this weekend:
Melissa (whom I haven't seen in 1.5 years)
Emily (whom I haven't seen in 2.5 years!)
Jenny
Hannah
Uncle Kurt
Aunt Mary
My cousins Jake and Tommy

Obviously, I realized it's the people. Of course, the parties, gossip/stories, good food, getting pampered, and lots of other fun helps too. So I'm excited. Maybe still a little worried, but very excited. :-)

Money Matters

2008-06-02T23:39:00.003-05:00

I've been making good progress on not worrying about money, but I guess I still can't help some things. I say I've been good because I don't worry about going out to eat, getting drinks, buying some new clothes, getting things for the apartment, etc., and this is progress for me.

But I could tell I was worried all day today about this weekend. This weekend is going to be an epic adventure - we are going to celebrate Melissa's final days as a single woman in Atlanta! And there is no doubt in my mind it will be fun. But living out here in CA means a lot of flights, and flights are getting really expensive. So then I start to worry.

You have the flight, the parking, the seat fee (because Airtran is greedy), the standby fee (because Airtran is more greedy), the train, the mani/pedi, multiple dinners, multiple drinks, multiple pieces of entertainment, and I'm probably not even getting it all. But I really truly need to get over this worry! I have to consider this a vacation and a mini 207 reunion and try to NOT worry about money. It's also a time to get to spend quality time with Melissa, since we won't really be able to at the wedding. If I want to get sappy, money is just money, but these will be great memories. And this is a time to create and cherish those memories.

I was hoping this writing would help me feel better, but it didn't really work. I would say I'd sleep on it, but that hasn't been getting any better either, so maybe I'll toss and turn on it, and I'll be able to breath easier tomorrow.

(P.S. If you're reading this Melissa, since I know you at least used to read my blog, don't you worry your pretty little head - this is my problem to deal with, and it's about time I did!)

Sex and the City

2008-05-31T01:51:00.003-05:00

Just like women around the world analyzing the latest and final installment of Sex and the City, so to were we as we walked home on Colorado Ave. But I couldn't chime in with everything I wanted to say, so you get it here. I felt like the movie had a lot strong emotions than the show ever did, which I said to the group, and they agreed. I proceeded to say that I really felt for Carrie when (spoiler alert, if you care) Big left her on their wedding day. A friend also agreed, but because of the humiliation.

That's not quite what I was going for. Carrie was devastated, crushed, and depressed. She lost the love of her life, and it showed. I believed it, and I truly felt for her, because I thought of my mom. Whenever I feel lonely, I just think of her loss and what she has to go through, and I don't feel so bad for myself because it sucks so much more for her. I've been avoiding movies or shows where people lose someone, and surprisingly, SATC just really struck home. I didn't cry because it would have seemed to corny, but I wanted to.

I took some Tylenol PM because I haven't been sleeping well, and it's starting to kick in, so good night.

You can't just disappear on me

2008-04-28T22:43:00.004-05:00

I was sitting in a meeting a few weeks back with one of my bosses, who happens to have Hodgkin's lymphoma. He was diagnosed shortly after my dad passed away and has been undergoing treatment and responding well. I mean no harm to him of course, and this is going to sound morbid, but as I sat there, I was imagining what it would be like to not have his presence at these meetings any longer. So yes, I was imagining him dying. I told you it was morbid, but this is where my thoughts go now.

What I was really thinking about was: here is a person full of thoughts and ideas, and if he dies, all that knowledge and all those insights just go away. One minute you are a thinking, feeling, communicative creature, and the next, nothing. It scares me, honestly. Maybe it's the idea of legacy - that I want to be remembered, and I don't want to just disappear. The idea of disappearing, the fact of death, scares the crap out of me. We have family and friends that remember us sure, but for how many generations? Then what is left of us?

Many people have asked me why I am a vegetarian, and I think it is partly my inability to understand death and my belief that life is extraordinarily special.

This all made a lot more sense in my head...

Visions

2008-03-18T00:07:00.000-05:00

There's a vision that, while I wouldn't say it haunts me, keeps playing over and over in my head. When it comes, it takes all the blinking I can muster to hold back the tears. Sometimes, though, I let them come, and I cry silently as I watch TV or fall asleep and not so silently as I write these memories.

But I think about my dad, yellow and swollen, looking completely different than the man I know and love. Ridden with cancer, surviving by machines coming from every part of his body. He fought so hard. But in the end, he couldn't walk or talk or even speak to his family and friends who were there to see him. The last thing he said to me, though, was that he loved me. They were breathy and difficult words to get out because of the pain he was in, but he opened his eyes, held my hand, and told me he loved me. And nothing, not even death, can take those words away. So I cry because I think of his pain and his love. And I cry because he was taken away from us without living out all his dreams with my mom. And I cry for her because I think about what she's feeling and her loneliness without the man she loved so much.

But the last day is what I re-live almost daily. He was so sedated because of the pain, and he had a ventilator to help him breath. But we, as a family, made the horribly hard decision to take him off the ventilator and let him die peacefully since that fate was coming anyways.

He labored there, breathing for 2 hours, as we cried around him, held his hand, and stroked his white hair. I saw a commercial in the airport of a nurse stroking an older man's white hair, and the silent tears came yet again. At my dad's bedside, I wondered multiple times as we waited if that specific breath would be his last, and part of me hoped it would, for his suffering's sake. But as his daughter, I hoped for a miracle - that he would do well off the breathing machines. But he declined, and I watched the machines ticking away, his oxygen decreasing, his blood pressure increasing, and heart rate slowing down. They had sedated him less so that maybe he could speak to us, and we tried so hard to have him hear us. We must have said "I love you" and "talk to us Mike" 1000 times in that short time period. We didn't know what else to do or say.

But at 5:12, January 19th, my mom and I holding his hands, the final breath did come. That time I hoped it wasn't real - that it wasn't his last, despite his suffering. I ended up holding my breath, in hopes that we could breath together again. But he didn't. He was gone. Just like that. We broke down, and my mom threw herself on him, crying out for him not to leave her. She said she couldn't live without him, and she begged him not to go. But he was already gone.

Orlando

2008-03-17T15:57:00.002-05:00

I went to Orlando this weekend for a very good friend’s 40th birthday. Marla, the birthday girl, was our neighbor for a number of years when we first moved to Virginia, and our families have stayed close for the last 15 years. My mom, brother Nik, and sister-in-law Kristin were all there, in addition of course to all of Marla’s awesome family and friends. It was so wonderful to sit around, eating, drinking, and just laughing our asses off at and with each other for 3 straight days. This adopted family of ours is amazing. They are there through thick and thin, through happy and sad times, and I love them dearly. We can go from hugging and crying about dad to downing another margarita while everyone is dancing to Brick House in a matter of minutes.

There is really nothing I can say that can do this great weekend justice, so happy birthday Marla, and we love you!

My trashy TV show leads to a good song

2008-03-04T02:00:00.001-05:00

Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am a utopian citizen
Still convinced
There's no such thing as idealism

Memories they're following me like a shadow now
And I'm dreamin'
And I've already suffered the fever of disbelief

It aint hard to see
Who you are underneath
...
And I wish you were here

- Kate Voegele, Wish You Were Here

Will I pull out a red or blue marble?

2008-03-01T21:26:00.003-05:00

I'm a mixed bag of happy and sad right now. Usually I am just amazed by life and am so happy to be here with friends and family and the sun and the activities I do. It sounds corny, but it's absolutely true. And then, I get just really sad that my dad isn't here any more. Like this morning, when I should have been relaxed, in bed, and enjoying my Saturday sleep-in, I had trouble not thinking about how it sucks so much that he's gone. It's been hard for me to write about it too because writing makes me miss him. And so does working out, probably because that's the time I really use for thinking. So writing and working out have not been happening.

I did have a really great time in Houston, and it was awesome to relax with good people and to spill my guts in person. Thank you. :-)

My dad's funeral memorial

2008-02-11T01:17:00.000-05:00

Mike Deems grew up an Army brat in a family of six children, planting roots all over the world, including Nevada, Utah, Germany, El Paso, and Virginia. He came to West Point in 1961, where he excelled in school while also captaining the soccer team.

After graduating, Mike served from 1965-66 at Fort Campbell in the 1st Battalion of the 501st Infantry with the 101st Airborne Division. He was then a Company Commander in the 4th Battalion of the 503rd Infantry with the 173rd Airborne Brigade from 1966-68 in Viet Nam.

During his second tour in Viet Nam, in 1970, Mike served as an Operations Officer of the Military Assistance Command. Throughout his service in Viet Nam, Mike received two bronze stars for bravery and meritorious service.

After earning his Masters degree in Operations Research from Georgia Tech in 1973, Mike served at the Combat Development Experimentation Center until 1976. The following year, he attended the Command and General Staff College before applying to the astronaut corps, where he made the final round of astronaut selections. Luckily for his future family, he did not make it as an astronaut and instead served on the Staff & Faculty at West Point from 1977 to 1980, where he met Christine, and they married in 1979.

Mike then worked at the Concept Analysis Agency and the Military Personnel Center until he retired in 1986. Upon retiring from the Army, he worked as a Systems Engineer for the MITRE Corporation, a not-for-profit research and development center that supports military and national needs.

Mike was an avid soccer fan; in addition to making it to the Final Four while at West Point, he continued to play and referee the sport after graduation. He was also a talented woodworker, loved to travel, walk, and listen to and play music (he even has 85 versions of Amazing Grace). The most important aspect of his life, though, was being involved in every aspect of his family’s activities, showing support and enthusiasm at each event.

Mike was diagnosed with kidney cancer in July of 2007. Those who celebrate his life today remember him as a devoted husband, father, friend, mentor, classmate, roommate, Ranger Buddy, and decorated Vietnam veteran.

Mike is survived by his loving wife of 29 years, Christine Deems; son Jason and wife Tina; son Nik and wife Kristin; daughter Elizabeth; mother Gene Deems; brothers Ron Deems and Bill Deems; and sisters Cathie Gerlicher, Susan Roske, and Barbara Sudek.

Resolutions

2008-01-03T00:17:00.000-05:00

So I have 3 resolutions, but they are phased.

The first one started about 2 weeks before New Year's, and that was to stop dating, or even making out with, jerks. That started successfully because I wanted to ditch this guy, and it seemed to be a good time, even if premature for resolution-making. It's been quite easy since my parents came a little after I made the resolution, but I'm sticking to my guns!

The second resolution was to go vegetarian, for real, starting New Year's Day. The only thing I really eat is some turkey and chicken. But no more! My brother has been hounding me for a while that the treatment of chickens is just as disgusting as the treatment of other animals. I don't eat red meat because I think it's gross to eat something that was living, and the treatment of animals in factory farming is unethical. And chickens are treated just as badly. "Free-range" farms are not regulated, so it's hard to find truly free-range meat. In addition, I do find eating meat gross, so I don't even really want to eat free-range chicken. I haven't gone fully vegetarian in the past because of laziness in cooking, but I should no longer be lazy. It's time to go to Whole Foods, spend some $$, and get some healthy, yummy, meat-free food.

Finally, I have put on a few pounds from all this travel for work and the holiday food. So once my parents leave (and I'm not eating out every night), I will lose 5 pounds, exercise consistently, and eat less dairy. I am not ready to go fully vegan, but I want to use soy milk and maybe soy yogurt. Dairy animals are not really treated any better, so limiting my dairy will be a step in the right direction. Especially if I learn to cook with all the right nutritional value...

Here's to 2008!

I'm Ready

2007-12-19T02:14:00.000-05:00

I'm ready. I realized last week after coming back from seeing V, that this isn't what I want. So I cut him off tonight. It was even an added bonus that had not been nice the last week, even tonight. Someday if he'll listen I'll explain what the term "inconsiderate" means. But that's not the point. The point is that there will be no more "bad boys" in my dating repertoire from now on. I admit this will be hard for me. But Lindsay had a good explanation.

After breaking up with Chris, I had to have the crazy-it-doesn't-matter-any-more rebounds, and then I proceeded to date guys who I was attracted to in some way, and I was pretty open to seeing different people. I enjoyed that because I learned a lot about myself and what I want - which is what dating is supposed to be all about. That went on for a couple of years now, and I just realized, I'm ready. Not for marriage or any big steps, don't worry, but to seriously consider the relationships I am in. And I suppose I deserve a good relationship and should not dwell on others just because they make a hilarious story. (Although, hit me up for the 6 am exit, 7 am entrance story, because it is a good one.) I was scared to give up this so-called freedom to date whomever I would like. But now I have the freedom to get rid of guys who don't deserve me. And this time I say that with more certainty than not.

So if you're reading this, I may just need some reminders not to go out with jerks...

Kate Winslet tells it how it is

2007-11-24T22:54:00.000-05:00

There's been so much talk of relationships lately (from my ex telling me a new guy isn't nearly good enough for me, to me providing two friends advice with their women) that the last few days over Thanksgiving have been a welcome relief from analyzing and explaining. It's been comforting to be with all my family, even though the last time we were all together was just a few months ago. The recent Return has made me want to be home instead of living in California, thousands of miles away. But I'm trying to enjoy my new life out there and to not worry that I'm not home. And I thought I'd want to talk about it with my parents while I was home, but that's the last thing I wanted on my mind - I just wanted to enjoy my time here.

Anyways, I did think again about relationships tonight because of a movie I was watching with my parents and grandparents. I've changed this quote from "she" to "he", but this is a very good explanation of why people (me?) like bad boys, courtesy of the movie The Holiday.

"Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time he does something that tells you he's no good, you ignore it. And every time he comes through and suprises you, he wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that he's not for you." It's something I've been fighting for more time than I want to admit, and here I am falling into the same pattern. So I think I should change, but I'm not ready...

i suck

2007-11-21T01:37:00.000-05:00

i know i suck at updating. there is so much going on that i could talk about, but i just don't feel like it. maybe this weekend over thanksgiving while i'm away from work. i am looking forward to home and family. :-)

Everyone wants to come to LA

2007-10-13T15:52:00.000-05:00

Apparently LA is THE place to visit! I guess there could be 2 reasons for me not blogging a lot:
1) I don't feel like getting on the computer when I get home from work and don't want to blog from work
2) I just haven't had time because I've been hanging out with lots of new and old friend in sunny California!

So a little recap of who's visited:
(TJ = Thomas Jefferson - my high school; GT = Georgia Tech)
August - I moved here the 10th, and then my mom came for 10 days
September - Silverio (MIT) arrived for UCLA, Chris (TJ, GT), Scott (TJ), Nick (TJ, GT) arrived for CalTech, Sarah (MIT), Lindsay (TJ), Rebekah (GT)
October - Hannah (GT), the Ankleys (friends of my parents), Erika (MIT), Leo (TJ), Tom (TJ)
Next weekend - Frank (GT), for Bob's wedding

That's crazy cool. And if you're not on that list, get your butt out here! But maybe give me a few weeks rest first. ;-)

A great weekend

2007-10-01T20:20:00.000-05:00

The weekend started off with a tough conversation with a nice guy, which I really felt bad about. Then the next day was full of errands and then salsa dancing! It was there that I found out that if you want to feel good about yourself, just go salsa dancing in Los Angeles. There are a lot of great dancers, so I'm not talking about beating everyone out on the dance floor. I can hold my own, but I'm not that great. I'm talking about the guys who tell you you're beautiful, compliment your dancing style and, almost most importantly, your dancing ability. Sometimes a guy like this can come off as a creep, but it didn't seem that way Friday, or maybe I just liked feeling good about myself. Maybe it's just the one club I went to (La Granada in Alhambra), but this happened multiple times, whereas in Boston, it was much more rare.

That night, I was awakened at 4:30 in the morning by the funniest drunk dial I have ever received. It was so hilarious and entertaining, that we spent over an hour talking in the middle of the morning. The next day, I had a great homemade brunch (if I do say so myself) with Dionne from Bible study, then tennis with Nick, before heading off to Hollywood to meet up with Rebekah. It was so good to see her again! I'm glad she got to come out here for a conference so we could hang out before the hectic-ness of her wedding. It was great to talk about old sorority and study abroad times. I kinda wish we could study abroad again. :-) After some yummy Italian, we went to Frederick's of Hollywood (I mean it's only fitting, we were in Hollywood!). Joking with the girls about crotchless panties and nipple holes made my night, haha.

The next day, we went to Venice Beach to see the crazy people, enjoy some sun, do some shopping, relax on the beach, and eat In 'N Out - and we succeeded in all of that, I am happy to report. We even saw a homeless Jesus that seemed to be dating Pamela Anderson... I have to say I am addicted to the sun already. Normally I get antsy when I don't workout, but now I'm also getting antsy when I don't get outside and get sun enough too!

Well, it was a great California weekend. :-)

Did I ever mention I'm a horrible decision maker?

2007-09-16T04:16:00.000-05:00

So it seems I can't make up my mind. When I'm not in a relationship yet there is little hope of being in one, I want to be in one. And when I'm dating someone and it's heading towards a relationship, I get freaked out and don't know if I want to be in one. And guys are supposed to be the ones with commitment issues!

I think I've always been like this. There have been a few times when I've stuck through the questions and doubts to hold together a real relationship. Other times, I freak out. And even other times, the guy gets scared and doesn't want more. So why can't I make up my mind and just stick with it?

In other non-vague news, Chris, Scott, and Boechler were here visiting this weekend. I only got to see Scott a little because he had to leave for something called "school," but it's always so great to get our high school friends back together. People are always amazed that we keep in touch so well, but that's what marching band will do to ya. ;-) And Boechler's even staying here to go to CalTech - yay TJMC in California!

A month's recap

2007-09-02T19:19:00.001-05:00

Sheesh, it's been over a month - where do I begin? When I last blogged, the movers were packing up my stuff in Boston to ship out to California. Since then, I have visited my grandparents in New York, spent two weeks at home, been in my brother Nik's wedding, helped my dad with his recovery in the few ways I could, flew across country, moved into my new apartment, bought a lot of furniture, hung out with my mom when she visited, turned 24, started work, and gone out on 2 dates. Phew! I don't really want to go back and go into a lot of details about all those things, so I'll just talk about the present.

Work started 2 weeks ago, and I'm doing the 9/80 schedule, which means I work 80 hours over 9 days (instead of 10, like normal jobs), and I get every other Friday off. I don't like getting home after 6, so I will perhaps try to go in earlier, and it's also tough to fit in a good workout before it feels like bedtime. However, having a 3 day weekend every other week ROCKS. This past Friday, Liz and I went to Huntington Beach down near Orange County, and since it was Friday, it wasn't as crowded, the weather was great, and it was so relaxing to not worry about work and to not feel like I should be doing something else other than enjoying the beach. I can get used to this!

Work itself is going alright. It's been a little slow to start, but I expect that during the first few weeks at a new job. My group supervisor has also changed, and the new one started last Monday, so that's another reason for the slow start and perhaps why I have yet to meet many people in the group. It's been nice to have the MIT gang as well as old Georgia Tech friends at JPL to hang out with inside and outside of work. I also want to continue to meet new people at work and outside of work, so that we're not always hanging out with engineers!

It's been tough to post now that I'm out here working because I don't want to write at work, and when I get home, I don't want to spend any time on the computer since that's what I do at work all day. I'll try to keep this up for those of you out there who still read it though. :-)

Now I need to run to Trader Joe's for edamame because I'm making dinner for Gil.

Moving

2007-07-24T13:06:00.000-05:00

The movers are here, and it's amazing because I don't really have to do anything at all! They packed and moved it all out. And now Sean's rumba is cleaning my room! Hahahaha, awesome. Tomorrow I'm heading to NY to see my grandparents, then home to Virginia for my brother's wedding this weekend. I'll be home till August 10th, then off to LA. Phew. I can't believe it's so close; I want more time off!

It's been hard getting ready to leave Boston because I've had to say goodbye to some amazing people. I hope that I will see many of them again, but not knowing when is difficult. At least LA is a place where lots of people visit, so hopefully I'll see you all soon!

I'll be flying out to LA instead of driving because I didn't want to make the trip alone. It's a shame, but here's a map of the states I've been. I have 41 so far, and while I'm in Cali, I'll try to expand my horizons even further.

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

And here's the countries I've been to just for fun. I think I see a pattern!

create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

Home, House Hunting, and Heartstrings

2007-07-16T14:40:00.000-05:00

A quick recap of where I've been before I get to the feeeeeelings.

After a good 4th of July in small-town New Hampshire and amazing fireworks at the MIT boathouse, I left for Virginia the next day. After hanging out with my parents Thursday, I left Friday for Delaware for my brother's fiancee's (Kristin's) bachelorette party. I had some awesome luck at the outlets (which is amazing for me since they have petite Ann Taylor on clearance!), then I spent the evening girl-talking with some hilarious ladies. I learned a little too much than I wanted to know about my future sister-in-law, but it was still great to spend some time with her.
The next morning I left for Maryland and a friend from my lab's wedding. After that, I went to DC to have dinner with Lindsay and her friends from grad school, then we headed off to VA to hang out with Leo. We played some excellent Mike's pong, even though they made fun of me for my low tolerance. I'd have to say I had an excellent time there. :-)
And finally, the next day (Sunday), I went to Richmond for Rebekah's wine tasting. It was so great to see her again after so long and get to hang out with her friends and family. We had a blast with wine, trivial pursuit, and this little grabby claw thing that you had to be there to enjoy. In total, I was in 4 states and the District of Columbia in 4 days!

I guess that's not all, because Tuesday I left with my parents for LA. After our 6 am flight out was canceled, we finally made it to LA early afternoon, which I guess wasn't too bad. We spent a number of days looking for apartments, and after I looked at pretty much everything there was in downtown Pasadena, I picked this beauty. So come visit!

I don't quite know what to say about those pesky things called feelings, so how about a song that I can't get out of my head and is so true:
One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter
(Fall Out Boy)

It's taking me a while to write this because I had to just listen to the song (you can at the link above).

But it's true that it keeps being one more night, and I do appreciate the memories. He made for an interesting but frustrating year, and I hope we both learned from it. I hope he learned that there are reasons to take time off of work, and you have to make time for friends because you need them. And I hope I learned that I deserve someone who's genuinely interested in me, even if only for a short amount of time.

But honestly, what was I thinking stringing myself along for such vain reasons. Ok, so he's hot, but is that worth dating someone on and off for a year? I thought I didn't want to be in a serious relationship since I knew I was moving, but it comes down to the fact that I ended up caring too much, and he didn't. There is nothing I can do to change that, but I almost feel like that was my failure. I have to keep telling myself that it's him and not me. As Lindsay put it, and I am learning:
"he was hot
but you were not a priority
therefore
you deserve better"

It's funny though because I still feel badly about writing this blog because I don't want to hurt him. But I don't even think he reads my blogs, and he knows everything I'm writing anyways. He is a nice person who cares at least a little and sort of ended things when he realized we were feeling differently. But then there was one more time. And another. I just hope he realizes that there is more to life than the lab, and I hope another girl is good enough in his mind to teach him that.

Europe Part 4: Interlaken and Zurich

2007-07-03T13:08:00.000-05:00

SWITZERLAND
Lauterbrunnen

We headed to the Jungfrau Region the morning of the next day. We went through Interlaken to a smaller town called Lauterbrunnen. It was still touristy, but even touristy towns in Switzerland look like what I expected from a small Swiss town. In Lauterbrunnen, we went to the Trummelbach Falls, which is a waterfall from the glaciers in the region that is actually inside a mountain. It really doesn't look like much from the outside, but on the inside, you can barely hear because of the 20,000 liters of water that it carries per second. After that, we had traditional Rosti for dinner, which is basically hash browns that have been lightly fried and smothered in cheese. Mmmmm.

The next day we took a trek, by train, up to the top of the Jungfrau, which is a glacier 11,000 feet tall and home of Europe's highest train station. It was freezing (literally), but the view was amazing! It was crazy to have gone from 100 degree weather in Greece to 32 degrees in Switzerland. It's hard to convey with pictures, but here you are:

After coming back out of the snow, we hiked for about 3 hours through the Apls below the glaciers. It truly felt like we were in The Sound of Music. I can't describe how green and gorgeous the sites were. There were also wildflowers, cows with bells you could hear across the mountain, and waterfalls everywhere. Really, trust me, go to Switzerland to hike if you can! That evening, we enjoyed cheese fondue and had wine and cookies on the porch of our hotel overlooking the valley and Staubbach Falls. I need Jen to help me write right now and somehow convey the beauty of nature!

Zurich
The next day, we headed to Zurich, and luckily we were able to stay with Swati's friends sister. Zurich is a very expensive and nice town with a few nice churches, but not a lot of other sites. Over the next 2 days, we hung out with Swati's friends, toured the churches and walked along Zurich's 5th Avenue, and went shopping for chocolate. The best part was a bike ride we took along Zurichsee, the lake next to Zurich. We got a chance to gossip away from Swati's friend and see more of the residential Zurich. Zurich also had vegetarian restaurants, so we actually continued to find good things to eat!

St. Peter's (with the largest clockface in Europe):

Overall, the trip was relaxing and amazing. It felt like 2 vacations in 1 since we went to two completely different places, and I would highly recommend both!

Europe Part 3: Italy and Montreux

2007-07-03T12:29:00.000-05:00

ITALY
We took an Easy Jet flight from Athens to Milan, Italy. Once we got to the train station from the airport, we tried buying our tickets for the morning train to Switzerland. After waiting 30 minutes in the International Line, the lady at the booth said "No trains - strike." But that's all she knew how to say in English, so we were left hanging. No one seemed to be able to tell us anything other than that the strike would last 24 hours.

Swati and I left and went over our choices (even renting a car), but the best way would obviously be to take a train. We had thought we could stay in Milan for the day and then skip the first town we were going to go to in Switzerland, which wouldn't be so bad. Then, a girl in our hotel said that there were a few trains running the next day, so we might be able to get on one to Switzerland, even if it wasn't exactly where we needed to go. We went back to the train station with this information, but everything was closed by the time we got there. Hungry and tired, we finally had dinner (yummy pasta with arrabiatta sauce) and gelato. I'm making myself hungry right now!

The next morning, we got up early to get in line at the train station, and after standing in line at the 2 windows that were open (and hence the line was a mile long), we got tickets to Brig, which has a train every hour to Montreux. We were set!

SWITZERLAND
Montreux
We got to Montreux at about 2 pm and walked along Lake Geneva for about 30 minutes to our hostel. The weather was gorgeous, and they had planted about 50 different types of flowers along the lake path. It made hauling the luggage not nearly as bad! I just love that path along the lake! After dropping the luggage off, we continued about 15 minutes more down the lake to the Castle de Chillon. The Castle was a fortress and a home built in the 12th century. It was simple yet elegant. One of the best parts of the castle was the view over Lake Geneva, especially from the towers above the castle.

Europe Part 2: Mainland Greece

2007-07-02T22:40:00.000-05:00

GREECE
Delphi
We got back to Athens on Monday night and got up early the next morning to go to Delphi. Delphi was considered the center of the world back in the day of Zeus, and the oracles prophesied there in the sanctuary of Apollo. There sadly is not a lot left, but it's amazing the dedication that the ancient people put into the site. They still had parts of the roads, treasuries, ampitheater, and stadium, as well as the temples, the main one of which was Apollo's. The museum did have a number of well preserved statues which helped to see the magnitude of their wealth and how talented they were. The site of Delphi was also gorgeous, on the side of a mountain, with olive groves as far as the eye could see down the valley, at the end of which was the Sea of Corinth.

Athens
As far as food, Greece has some great vegetarian dishes, but they only have a few of them. We ate a lot of stuffed tomatoes and peppers, baked eggplant, Greek salad (which doesn't have lettuce, interestingly enough), tatziki, etc. Every meal we had bread and olive oil, and the oil was quite tasty, as expected! The hostel in Athens was decent for the price, but they lied about the fact that the rooms had air conditioning! When we complained, they hemmed and hawed and said they couldn't do anything, and they wouldn't give us our money back or move us. With only one more night (and since the nights were MUCH better than the 100 degree days), we didn't worry about it much more.

The next day, we went to the Acropolis, Ancient Agora, and Temple of Zeus. The Acropolis is being renovated and partially reconstructed, so it was hard to see everything. What we could see, though, was magnificent. The citizens 2000+ years ago were much more advanced than I sometimes remember. My favorite building was the temple Erechtheum , mostly because I think the Porch of Maidens is beautiful and simple.

Erechtheum:

I'm not sure how I feel about reconstruction, though. On one hand, it is necessary to reconstruct the ruins if we want them to last for future generations, but it's also very interesting to see the status of the buildings and how well they have lasted.

Parthenon:

After touring the Acropolis and looking down over the city of Athens, we went to the Agora (Market), and the best part were the views up to the Acropolis. The Agora was also were people really lived and interacted back in the day, and it was also the birth of democracy. Thanks Athenians! The Temple of Zeus (which is not on the Acropolis) only has about 8 columns out of 100 left, but it gives you the sheer magnitude of these impressive structures.

That night, we met up with Vasileios' brother (Dimitrios) for dinner. He filled us in about a lot of areas of Greek culture. Some (very biased) highlights include:
- Greeks get the best jobs when they have someone on the "inside" to get them the job
- College have 2 ~10-week semesters and therefore don't teach that much
- Greek families are very close knit
- The students at D's college go on strike for silly political reasons, which messes up class and their schedules
- Greek men don't hit on women in bars that they don't know
- Everyone needs to know English to get a decent job, so that's why everyone knows it

There is probably more, but that's what I have for now. These shouldn't piss anyone off - it's just what we learned from one person! We also went to a great cafe on the beach, where we could sit on cushions on the beach at tables that had teepees with lamps instead of a covering. It was very romantic for our odd little threesome.

The next day, we went to the Archaeological Museum. We didn't realize how HUGE the museum was, and after an hour, we had only done 3 rooms out of 10 (and we only had another hour). They cover from 5000 BC to about 500 AD, so there is obviously a lot of material. My favorite object were tweezers from about 2500 BC, haha. They also had some great marble status from 100 BC with Aphrodite, Poseidon, Paris, and more. Check out my pictures on ofoto.com to see all my favorites.

That afternoon, it was off to the airport, heading to Milan.

Europe Part 1: The Islands

2007-06-30T15:16:00.000-05:00

Prepare yourself for a long series of blogs...

First, to see pictures, check out ofoto.com, username = biffbabe@hotmail.com, and ask me for the password (I publicly put up the password, and someone put up dirty pictures - but I'm happy to share with you!).

GREECE
We arrived in Athens after a long day through Madrid (it's always nice to go through a Spanish speaking country and get some practice in). They didn't have the fact that I had asked for vegetarian meals on the flights, so that was annoying, but after giving us the cold shoulder, the stewardesses warmed up to us and gave us extras of the sides and some leftover first class food, so we didn't have to go hungry. When we got to Athens, we settled into the Hostel, which was tight and un-A/Ced, but oh well. We then explored some of the area, getting as close to the Acropolis as we could, and it was still gorgeous! It's amazing to think that people lived up on that hill from about 5000 BC and what they were able to achieve without our "modern technology."

Santorini
The next morning we left for Santorini through the port of Piraeus, and the ferries were amazingly nice! I was expecting a boat like we used to ride on whale watching trips, where there was little space to sit comfortably, but these ferries were huge and comfortable. It definitely beats flying to the islands since transit time is about the same (at least to the Cyclades). Arriving at Santorini, the port is on the cliff side of the island, where 1000 feet of cliif towers above the water, created by the massive volcanic explosion thousands of years ago. The pension we stayed in was really nice, with great owners and a nice location (not cliff side, but that's a LOT of $$!) That afternoon, we hiked along the cliff that leads from our town, Fira, to the end of the island. It was quite intense for just 6 miles - it took us about 4 hours because it was mostly up and down mountains and cliffs. The scenery was gorgeous though, and I had fun taking pictures of blue churches with the crazy settings on my new camera. We had dinner at a restaurant on the ledge - it was amazing to look over to the houses built in the cliffs, and the colors in the layers of the cliffs. The sunset wasn't all it was cracked up to be because it was a little hazy/cloudy, but it was still a great setting.

The next day, we rented ATVs and drove all over the island - to the archaeological site, a black sand beach (which is really hot!), and a red sand beach. The ATV was so fun! We could ride it anywhere on the roads or on the beach, and it was a great way to explore the entire island, on our own time. And for only $20 for a whole day! That night we went out, had a few drinks, and wanted to meet some boys, but there were only couples. Darn romantic island. The following day, we took out ATV to another beach, where we were literally the only people there. We spent a few hours there, then took a boat ride to the Nea Kameni, the volcano in the center of the bay of Santorini. We hiked around the volcano, following the trail of past eruptions and craters, to the stop, where the active center is. There was no lava spewing, but it reminded me of Mordor from Lord of The Rings. We then went to another small island where there is a hot springs, and we swam around there for a while.

Overall, I really liked Santorini, but it was hazier than I expected. However, the cliffs and the houses were beautiful!

Sifnos
We then went to Sifnos, which is a much smaller and less touristy island than Santorini. When we arrived here, the owner (Adonis) of the pension we were staying in immediately took a liking to us and invited us to his house. He then gave us stew made by his mother and proceeded to fawn over us. Adonis was the highlight of our trip to Sifnos and made it such a blast! He offered to show us around the island, and we happily agreed. After a little time on the beach, he took us around to have lunch on the other side of the island with some friends of his. Then he showed us a gorgeous church on a peninsula and took us to a cafe where we had baklava (or as he called it, "chocolate," because every dessert was called "chocolate" to him). Later that night, we went up a harrowing path to the top of a mountain where there is a monastery. You could see down to the villages below and up to the thousands of stars above. It was amazing what a lack of light pollution does - we could even see the Milky Way. Swati and I were the definite nerds, looking up more than looking down. The next day was more of the same, and it was very nice and relaxing. We also found out from some information I had printed from the web that Adonis is a very well-known potter!

Overall, the islands were gorgeous. We got some sun, but not too much, and saw a lot of the islands thanks to our ATV and Adonis. Then, it was back to Athens, which will be the next blog.

In Greece

2007-06-20T01:31:00.000-05:00

I'm just going to write a quick note from Greece. We've been here about a week and have seen Delphi, Santorini, and Sifnos. Today we're going to see the Acropolis and the other ancient sites along with the archaeological museum tomorrow before we fly to Switzerland with a one night stay in Milan. Santorini was gorgeous on the rim of a crater created by a volcano, and it features my favorite color (blue, of course), so how could I not like it? There was a lot more climbing and hiking than I expected from the guide book, but our hikes gave us some spectacular views. It was hazy though, so the pictures might not be stellar. Sifnos was a much smaller and quieter island frequented by many Athenians. The hotel owner in Sifnos took a liking to Swati and I and played tour guide during our stay there, so we really had a great time with him. Delphi was also interesting because of the temples that were built there to honor Apollo and his oracles.

The food has been good, but I'm getting a tad sick of stuffed tomatoes and peppers, because that's their vegetarian staple. At least we're finding things to eat though! It's also hotter than I expected from what weather.com said, but we're managing. My Greek is getting a little better from what V taught me, and at least I can nor read it, even though I may not know what it means.

Tomorrow we're off to Switzerland, like I mentioned, where we'll visit Montreux on Lake Geneva, Lauterbrunnen (near Interlaken), and Zurich.

Yassas!

Across the Pond

2007-06-11T19:08:00.000-05:00

Now that I'm all graduated and done, I'm off to Europe tomorrow for 2 weeks with my friend Swati. We're going to Greece and Europe, so look out for a few updates while I'm there (hopefully), but lots of pictures when I return!

Ta leme argotera! (See you later)

Religious Quiz

2007-06-04T23:01:00.000-05:00

Taken from Katie - thanks!
Religious Views Quiz

What's your theological worldview?
You scored as a Emergent/Postmodern
You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

Emergent/Postmodern

71%

Neo orthodox

64%

Modern Liberal

61%

Classical Liberal

61%

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

54%

Roman Catholic

46%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

43%

Reformed Evangelical

36%

Fundamentalist

18%

Finally DONE!

2007-06-03T17:13:00.000-05:00

...well almost, but 99.9% of the stress is over - there are just a few more things to wrap up. About two weeks ago, I turned in my thesis on Risk Management of Student-run Small Satellites, which included a study of the types of failures in small satellites and a new way for them to do risk management that makes it a lot easier and more intuitive.

Then, last Thursday and Friday we had our Preliminary Design Review for Mars Gravity, which involved 19 formal reviewers (Ames, Goddard, Orbital Research, etc.) here to scrutinize every part of our design. And did they. But they were also very supportive and generally had a very positive opinion of the team and the project. They also thought we gave good presentations, which is always nice feedback to hear. We'll get the formal report in a few weeks on whether we passed the review or not. I can't really explain how much hard work and the number of hours that went into this review, but it all came together really well, and even though there are some areas which we need to work on, all the reviewers (including the ones from which we need $$!) were impressed. I hate to blow my own horn, but one of the very picky and anal reviewers told me after "I was thinking through your presentation that whatever company gets you is really lucky." I was quite happy and confident then for the rest of the time. :-)

I spent most of the weekend with my grandparents, who came in from New York. It was nice to see them - we went to church, brunch, Pirates 3 (which was actually pretty good, btw), and ice cream. It's hard to think of activities sometimes with them because my grandmother can't walk a lot, but it's also nice to hang out with family.

It's kinda surreal that I'm done. I feel like I am forgetting to do something or that I should be working instead of finally making my picture albums (for which I have way too many pictures) and doing all those errands I've been putting off for months. And then I realize it really has been months. I can't believe we leave for Europe in 10 days - there's a lot to be done before then!

This post is all over the place - sorry! Time to go cut out more pictures. I should have just bought a normal scrapbook so I don't have to cut out pictures and glue them on these darn pages. Lesson learned. :-)

busy

2007-05-15T22:22:00.000-05:00

I've got a lot to do before the Mars Gravity Preliminary Design Review and not much time to do it, so don't expect many updates till after June 1...

Biff

"Hey, nice thighs"?

2007-04-28T23:40:00.000-05:00

I got a very odd compliment the other day. So I'm taking the MIT PE tennis class, and we meet twice a week for 40 minutes. This doesn't seem like a lot, but it's tough to leave at all in the middle of the day for a tennis class! Anyways, it's a very small class - there are usually 4-6 of us, and a coach and a coach-in-training. I was talking with the coach-in-training the other day, and she asked if I play any sports at MIT. I mentioned intramurals and ice hockey and that I did gymnastics and crew before. And then she says "Ohh, that explains it. Carol (the other coach) and I were commenting the other day how you have awesome thighs, and we were wondering what from." Then I told her I was self-conscious about them because they are so big, and she said I shouldn't be silly - people would love to have them! Anyways, it's the first time I've ever really been complemented on my thighs, so I thought it was odd, but a little bit of a pick-me-up that I didn't expect. I'll also try to dislike them less. :-)

In other news, I turned in the finished draft of my thesis today to my adviser, so that makes me feel relieved. I really hope he doesn't want anything major changed so that I can breathe a little easier and focus on Mars Gravity more. V and I went out last night for the first time in a while, and that was a lot of fun, and he's coming to church with me tomorrow for the first time, so I'll write about that soon.

Hodgepodge - life and VT

2007-04-18T21:48:00.000-05:00

I've been a little too busy to post blogs lately, but I've had it on my to do list now for a few days, so I guess I'll update. But then again, I've also had calling David, Beth, Laura, Rebekah, and Jen on my to do list, and that hasn't happened for months. Basically, I'm still stressing about finishing everything on my plate by the end of the semester, and I'm very ready for a vacation. So really, life hasn't changed much for me in the last few weeks.

I'm still debating about whether I want to live by myself in Pasadena. I've never lived by myself, and I think it would be a good experience. But I'm generally a people person, so it might be lonely. I am looking forward to decorating my own place and in general being more comfortable in the place I live, so that would be a plus. However, I don't really like being by myself at night, although of course I do it, and that's definitely something I need to get over. Any thoughts out there about what I should do?

I've had a bunch of visitors these past few weeks - my parents came up for part of my mom's spring break, and it was really nice to take some time off and spend with them. Last weekend, Eric A and JT were in town, so I got to see both of them for a while. It's always good to see the old TJ gang. I miss all you guys tons!

I suppose I'm feeling a little sappy with the shootings Monday at Virginia Tech. My mom is normally the emotional one, so I guess she's rubbed off on me. I feel particularly sad when I see families grieving and imagine my own family and how much we care for each other and how much it would hurt to lose someone. I was at the gym the other day and seriously had to stop watching the broadcast because of that. I guess it's because I'm scared of death still, and so I'm scared both by the idea of dying and the idea of losing someone I love.

The other random thought I had was that we hear about deaths in Iraq and in war all of the time, but the number of deaths doesn't quite affect us as much as this tragedy at VT does. I remember, in recent days, seeing that 40 or 50 people were killed in an Iraqi market bomb, and I thought about how horrible that is, but I was no where near as upset as I am now about the VT killings, and I think most people are this way. Of course there are many differences and many reasons for us feeling this way, but there are so many similarities too. These were innocent people, friends and family, that were killed because of some crazy dissenters. I just think, as we mourn those lost here, that we should also be more aware of those lost (both our own soldiers and the citizens) in other countries.

First Unfinished Draft In

2007-04-03T21:33:00.000-05:00

So last week was Spring Break, aptly renamed "Spring Fake" by Davener. I worked the whole time, trying to focus on my thesis and a little less on Mars Gravity. With the work over the last week and the few weeks preceding it, I have about 90 pages so far. I turned it in to my adviser Friday, and he read it over the weekend, so we discussed it today. He said it was a little prose-y and not research-y at first, but that I've done a lot of good work and that I'm on the right track. I still have a chapter to do the work for and then write, but I'm feeling a little better about it now. So he acknowledged that I have a lot to do, but he also said he wanted me to have a life these next two months, which I appreciate, but which will still be difficult to do with class, thesis, and the design review. But I'm gonna try to take it one day at a time and not totally hate the next (and last) 2 months here!

The last three days of "Spring Fake," I actually did take some time off. I hung out with Chris, who was here in Boston visiting a bunch of people, and we went to Fire&Ice (where they cook the food for you on a big grill) and to the batting cages. Jeff and Chris told me what I was doing wrong, and last night I wowed them at our first softball game. I also pitched half the innings, and we ended up with our very first win! (Last year we were 0 to a lot.) So go Rocket Jocks!

My parents also visited this weekend, which was really nice. We hung out, went bridesmaid dress shopping for Nik's wedding, went to Bertucci's (yum!) on Saturday. That night we had an SSL party for the final four at the lab director's house, but he wasn't there, hehe. Sunday, my parents came to church with me, and even though my dad's not religious, he likes the music, so I'm glad something gets to him. They had a really interesting service about Passover from Jews for Jesus, and it was good to finally learn more about that tradition. Then we went to ice cream at our favorite Kimball Farm and explored Concord for a while before having the famous Pizzeria Regina. I was really sad to see my parents leave this time. I think it's just because it's nice to have people around who care for me so much, and I appreciate everything they do for me. It's amazing how much love they have to give, and I hope I can be at least close to the parents that they are some day.

Alright, enough of the gush. I'm off to work a little then bed.

Is it caring or guilt?

2007-03-19T21:46:00.000-05:00

Caring is a funny thing. I feel like I care a lot right now. Sometimes too much.
At first when I think of "caring," I have the connotation of love and kindness. As a mom cares for her children or a doctor cares for the sick. But then I look it up in the dictionary, and the first definition is:
To care: "to feel trouble or anxiety"
Now that's a whole different denotation than what comes to mind when I think of the word. This reminds me of guilt. Another one of my bad (or good, depending on who's asking) traits. So let's look at guilt:
"feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy"
This is pretty close to what I perceive as guilt - I feel guilty when I let people down, when I am not performing up to the standards I'm used to, etc.

While the actual definitions aren't exactly the same, MY perception of guilt and the definition of care are very similar! But in real life, these are presenting themselves in vastly different ways.

Case 1: Care. I care about V, and I can't stop it. There's no guilt whatsoever, but I'm happy when I'm with him and sad that we don't get much time together.
Case 2: Care and guilt. I care about my friends, and I feel guilty that I don't spend as much time with them as everyone else does. I don't like that I feel like I don't have time for lunch with everyone, and I sometimes treat my friends like V treats me, and neither of those are good. I only hope I can find the balance. Friends aren't supposed to be related to guilt, so something may be messed up in my head here.
Case 3: Guilt. It's true that I care about the people on my research project, but mostly guilt just weighs me down. Of course I want to put out a good product (for the team's and my sake), but I feel, right now, that this is more spurred on by guilt and not as much caring. This is a huge deviation from the norm for me, and I don't like it. But I feel so tired of the project being understaffed, that I just am ready to be done.

So I want to care for people and I want to lose this constant feeling of guilt.
As I've told Dan and Erika, my guilt button is super sensitive, so just be gentle.

Childhood memories and the Language of God

2007-03-15T14:52:00.000-05:00

I went home last weekend for a conference, and Saturday I spent almost the whole day cleaning out my room, which hasn't changed much since high school. It was a monumental task considering I'm a pack rat, but it went surprisingly well. Luckily, I had Lindsay there to help me through it, and nag me about silly things I was saving. It's amazing that we had about 10 trash bags full of things to give to Goodwill, and probably still too many boxes to take with me once I move to California. It was a good trip down memory lane, but I tried to keep things moving from my hands to either the Goodwill pile, the trash, or my boxes to take with me. Every once in a while my mom also broke from her throw-everything-away tendency to one of reminiscing and wanting to save some of my items from childhood. So I guess we're more alike in that area than we admit.

On a completely different note, there were some interesting talks at MIT about faith and science. These particularly appeal to me because I first became agnostic because I didn't think that I could believe in science and religion. However, many people (including me now) believe you can.

Francis Collins gave a talk about the Human Genome and truly believing in the Bible, God, and fundamental science principles. He didn't grow up a Christian and was a strong atheist, only to realize that there is something more out there. He also mentions that understanding more about the complex human body has actually made him a stronger believer, and I agree. There really are a lot of parallels between Dr. Collins and myself, so it was a really good talk. He presented the kind of evidence that helps me build my faith.

Here are some quotes that I liked from the talks:

Saint Augustine:
"In matters that are obscure and far beyond our vision, even in such as we may find treated in Holy Scripture, different Interpretations are sometimes possible without prejudice to the faith we have received. In such a case, we should not rush in headlong and so firmly take our stand on one side that, if further progress in the search of truth justly undermines this position, we too fall with it. "

Francis Bacon
"To conclude therefore, let no man upon a weak conceit of sobriety or an ill-applied moderation think or maintain, that a man can search too far, or be too well studied in the book of God's word, or in the book of God's works."

Both of these quotes point to the fact that you CAN question religion, God, science, and everything that surrounds them. God wants us to understand and believe in religion from all aspects.

And now I really should get back to my thesis...

Can the internet be my girl talk?

2007-03-03T22:49:00.000-05:00

Life is crazy busy, and there's no slowing down until graduation. But I still manage some time for other things like the gym, dancing, friends, family, and my man. But it's no secret that the last doesn't really make time for me (he has too much work to do). Here and there we'll have dinner. But a night out? Yeah right! Him coming to something I invite him to? Oh yeah, that happened maybe last fall a couple times. So what am I doing in a relationship that is so one-sided? And why can't I throw in the towel and just move on? Something is holding me back, and for the life of me I can't figure it out. Sometimes I wish it would let go, but then more often I wish he would come in. There's a glimmer of hope when he calls or when we see each other at the gym. But then a week goes by and? nothing. Man this sounds desperate.

This sort of thing happened to Lindsay last year, and I told her to move on and realize she's worth more than that. Something inside of me thinks this is different. Or at least hopes it is. That he will get over this pile of work that's keeping him away and go back to how it was last fall. It's is so stupid to do this to myself, but will cutting it off make it any better? Would it be worse to not have "us" any more at all, or to have to hope that we'll be able to spend more time together, with the chance that the hope may not pan out at all?

I know this is horribly personal, but it's going to get posted anyways. I've been keeping this inside long enough, and it's time to escape. I think I need more girl time.

Vegan for a week

2007-02-16T18:57:00.000-05:00

Tuesday was my brother Jason's birthday, and he and his wife are vegan. They've been trying to convince me to stop eating meat, which I'm close to anyways, but for his birthday I decided to try to be vegan for a week. I guess I shouldn't say "vegan" in the strictest sense, but more no meat, cheese, milk, eggs, yogurt, etc. Since I don't have time to do a ton of research right now on it, I probably will accidently eat something non-vegan, and my diet won't be the best balanced. But I am trying to get calcium and protein other ways. So far things are going well, and light soy milk is pretty good! V and I went out to a nice Italian dinner last night, and it was tough to avoid the cheese though!

Sugarbush and apathy

2007-02-12T23:06:00.000-05:00

This weekend was the SSL ski trip, and it was awesome. We had a great group of people going, the resort had great snow (it was the first time I ever really skied on lots of powder), I got my skiing mojo back, and it was just all around relaxing to be away. I tried moguls for the first real time, I was back on blacks, I finally wasn't too cold, and I had lots of energy for skiing, even though my calves are still sore... But enough with the lists. It was a great trip.

And then I get back to Cambridge and to the reality that is life. Here's just 1 example why reality sucks at MIT: Monday is a school holiday, but not only do I have meetings scheduled all day Monday, but half of Sunday too. Great. And I have to prepare for them (luckily with Dan) all this week. What great, joyous fun. This is just the first of many of these work meetings this semester to prepare for an even bigger review just before graduation. I just can't wait for it to be over.

But there's a lot of work to be done before that. Not to mention a thesis which I never seem to find time for. I know if I gave up working out, I'd have more time, but I suppose I put my health and enjoyment of working out above work. I have given up hockey, dancing (mostly), flute, etc. for this crap. And I'm a pessimist, I'm sorry, but this thing ain't gonna have the money to fly.

I know I probably shouldn't put all this on my blog, but I need to say it. I'm not going to give in or work any less hard. I just don't give up. I'm going to try not to dislike what I'm doing, but I'm just in a bad mood, and it's hard to paint a rosy picture. Things in other areas of life aren't that grand either, but I suppose I shouldn't talk about that here.

It's amazing, though, how quickly my attitude changed from the relaxed, ski-filled weekend, to the tense, over-worked Biff that I am today. I need to go read for class, so I'm going to leave this mostly negative post as is and head to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

My Decision

2007-01-31T17:15:00.000-05:00

I wrote this in an e-mail to Eric just now, but here's the decision:

Sooooo, I chose JPL. :-) Basically, Orbital was too familiar and some place where I might go later in my career. It had a lot of good opportunities, hands-on hardware, great pay, etc., but I wasn't ready to move back to DC quite yet, even though it'd be nice to be near family.

Lockheed in Denver could have been a cool job, but I have a feeling it could be really frustrating or boring, and there's a lot of unknowns with the job. It also would have been nice to live in Denver, and I'm sure people would have liked to come visit, but I don't think it's the best option.

JPL should be a fun job with a lot of different aspects of work, and I'll get to work some on Constellation as well as robotic missions. And I'll work part-time for the Air Force in a Think Tank. I loved JPL's atmosphere and the people, so I'm excited to go back. I'm nervous about living in the LA area, but here comes the sun!!

Pro/Con

2007-01-24T13:26:00.000-05:00

Any thoughts are GREATLY appreciated. I have to decide by Jan 29th or 30th! And let's do a vote - send me your opinion (with your name so you don't vote twice!) and the reason. And maybe I'll let YOU decide. :-)

JPL
Pro
o JPL is very well-renown
o Interesting and fun work in a good environment
o Little overtime
o Get to do exploration systems (Constellation) and classified work in one company. Also get to do a lot of different tasks at once
o Pasadena is outside of the city

Con
o Would be living in the LA area
o Far from family on east coast
o Cubicles
o No hands-on hardware work

LM Denver
Pro
o Lots of interesting work at the site - support to JPL for many of their interplanetary missions, national security spacecraft, and the new CEV design
o Ability to move around a lot in the company (one option is through rotation/leadership programs)
o About 1-2 hours away from great skiing
o Good area for young professionals
o Working on the CEV would be cool

Con
o I don’t know exactly what I would be doing before I accept the job, but it would be in systems engineering/interface or analysis
o Far from family on east coast
o Cubicles
o Little to no hands-on hardware work

Orbital
Pro
o Smaller company, so you get more exposure to different projects and managers
o Shorter mission timeframes (2-3 years)
o Can be involved in the whole life cycle of a project, meaning concept to operating it on orbit
o Can get hands on hardware and build it or test it in the clean room with the techs
o Involved in national security, space science, launch vehicles, Technology demonstration projects, etc.
o Own or shared office
o Near family and friends on East Coast

Con
o Could be a lot of high-level systems engineering (less exciting stuff)
o Would be moving right back to DC
o Some overtime required, but usually compensated for it

Northrop
Pro
o Technical work that’s challenging and covers programming, aerospace, math, etc.
o Ability to move around a lot in the company (one option is through rotation programs)
o NG involved in national security, space science, launch vehicles, etc.
o Nice to live near the beach and can rent not far from work

Con
o Harder to work a project beginning to end because of the length
o Would be living in the LA area
o Not sure if I’d like the project topic areas as much
o No hands-on hardware work to start (in modeling and sim)

BAH
Pro
o Work with a bunch of different companies doing technical work
o Cutting edge work gives insights into leading edge technologies and programs and where people are having trouble (help with PhD maybe?)
o Near family and friends on East Coast

Con
o Would not “own” the project
o No hands-on hardware work
o Would be moving right back to DC
o Not as cool as Orbital

Aerospace
Pro
o Challenging and interesting projects
o I know the group and I get along and would like it
o Own or shared office
o Near family and friends on East Coast

Con
o Not much hardware in the company
o Not a new experience
o Would be moving right back to DC
o Not as cool as Orbital

And I've also eliminated Lockheed Sunnyvale, so I need to call them today to reject the offer...

1 down...

2007-01-17T15:23:00.000-05:00

7 to go. I rejected APL last night. They wanted me to do missile defense, which I'm sure would be interesting, but I would like to focus more on satellite development. So now I have 7 more job offers to decide between.

And thanks Jen. We should have a 207 reunion this summer or something. :-)

Another resolution

2007-01-11T16:25:00.000-05:00

Don't be afraid to spend money!

And, this was recently demonstrated by me paying to go on 2 ski trips this year. Go me!

Resolutions and an Interesting Article

2007-01-08T14:43:00.000-05:00

So I need to make some New Year's Resolutions. Here are my goals:
Take some nights and weekends to relax and not think (or worry) about work.
Do things that make me happy.
Don't be afraid to say no.
Don't worry about my decision to not get a PhD now - just enjoy this last semester and look forward to work.

These are all things that are affecting me now, but I've realized they are things I really do need to work on in general. This whole PhD decision process really did teach me a few things about myself.

In other news, Abbott sent out this article about highly intelligent high schools, and I like the line:
"Super-achievers aren't just bright; they crave that distinction."
It's exactly what I've been thinking about and talking about in my last blog. It's so true here at MIT, and we have to remember that we are really smart (and I know this sounds conceited, but oh well). And you know, even if we climb to the top of the education ladder, we won't be distinct - there are others with PhDs. So I'm comfortable with my decision, and I'm much happier than I've been in a while.

A Decision?

2007-01-02T17:13:00.000-05:00

So last night was the first time I really freaked out about this decision. I think the fact that it's January and I have yet to figure out what I want to do scares me. I've figured out some things I'm surprised that I am willing to admit about myself, though, and I think they're telling.

I know what I want to do, but I want to be comfortable with what I want to do. You ready for it? Well, I want to take a job that will maybe help me figure out what I would want to get a PhD in, and then maybe I will return to school later to get a PhD. And I want to be comfortable with that decision. Now here are my thoughts about how to be comfortable with that:

I realized that I only want a PhD because of the image (and respect and confidence) I think people with PhDs get. I also think I should get a PhD because that's what people expect me to do, and they would be disappointed in me if I don't get a PhD. And, the real kicker, is that I've never thought I was smart, so having a PhD will help to convince people that I am smart and will prove that I am better somehow. All of this may lead to regret of not getting a PhD. Something is broken in my head, and I'll think I am a quitter or a failure if I stop now.

So my problem? Apparently self esteem and confidence. My parents and my awesome friend Dan helped me these last two days in realizing that people do think I'm amazing and a good aerospace engineer, so I shouldn't worry about that. Sarah and Dr. Braun both said that no one cares in industry unless you want to do research or teach, but neither of those have ever really interested me all that much. I need to believe, though, that I am fully capable of, well, kicking butt in the workplace, and no "little piece of paper", as Dan called it, can determine my self-worth. I should also not worry that my friends or professors will think I'm a quitter. This is my choice, and I'm smart no matter what.

My parents point out that I need to do what makes me happy. And when faced with the decision based on that, the jobs excite me more, and I think I would be happy taking a job. Not to be dramatic, but this life is really too short to waste time doing things that won't make us happy. Getting a PhD could end up being a huge waste of time for me, and I would be doing it just for the sake of having 'Dr.' in front of my name. And, I know it would be hard, but going back to school is always an option. As I mentioned, I really like the idea of finding out my passion and getting a PhD later, if that's what I need.

The other big issue is motivation. I suppose I know that I am smart enough to do the PhD, but will it really be all that enjoyable if I'm not really excited about what I'm working on? The fear of regret and the desire to be called "Dr. Biff" isn't enough to get through the 3-4 years of tough times necessary to get a PhD. Or is it? Rationally, probably not.

I also need to think out of the MIT bubble. Both Sarah and Scott mentioned that we're surrounded by over-achievers, and therefore we are also motivated by them. Of course I've always been an over-achiever, but I need to stop, take a look around, and see what the world is really like.

This post has kind of jumped around, and congratulations if you made it this far. Now it's time to relax, enjoy my last night at home in VA, and be comfortable with the fact that it's ok not to get a PhD... for now. :-)

PhD Pros and Cons

2006-12-28T09:31:00.000-05:00

It's about time I start writing out the pros and cons of staying at MIT now to get a PhD. I very much welcome your feedback and thoughts! Even if you never comment, now's the time!

Why I Should
I'm already at MIT, so it's easy to stay
I have partial outside funding
If I go to the MVL, I have been guaranteed full funding for 3 years
I think I want a PhD
If I leave and want a PhD later, it would be hard to come back to school later
I would miss school a little
I would have to leave Boston without having really spent enough time there
What if I need a PhD later in my life?
I might regret not getting a PhD

Why I Shouldn't
I don't know what I really want to focus on - I'm not even sure in what area I would like to do my research
I don't know how getting a PhD will relate to what I want to do with my life (I don't really need a PhD for what I think I want to do with my life)
I'm kind of sick of school
I don't seem to have time to explore Boston anyways while I'm in school
I have multiple good job offers
I could earn a lot more if I get a job
I could get a PhD later if I figure out what I'm really interested in

So I'm studying away each day to prepare for quals and I'm so utterly confused. I'm putting off the decision, but then again, each day that I keep studying, I'm effectively making a decision. People keep telling me I can't make a "wrong" decision, but I certainly feel that I can. I'm just so confused that I want to cry, but I don't, and I don't even know if I can.

Lockheed Martin (Denver) and BAH (old)

2006-12-21T09:18:00.000-05:00

I made it back from Denver the day before the airport closed down due to a huge blizzard. Thank goodness! I spent just two days there for my Lockheed Martin interview with the CEV folks (they are building the next generation space vehicle). The interview went well, and I hope to hear before Christmas, but I doubt that will happen since everyone is disappearing for the holidays.

My one problem with the interview was that most of the CEV people were in a review, so we were interviewed by other people within Lockheed Martin. The Denver location does do a lot of interesting work, including support to JPL for many of their interplanetary missions, national security spacecraft, and the new CEV design.

Most people in Denver are about an hour away from good skiing, and there is great skiing within two hours. The city was pretty sprawling, but apparently the Denver/Boulder area is a great place for singles. I just looked and they have somewhat of a salsa scene in the area.

I also never blogged on my trip to Booz Allen. My job offer there is from a group supporting spacecraft in both the CD area and LA. I'm not sure if BAH is the right place for me to start out given that it's less technical work, but I think it would be an interesting place to work in the future. I still want to find out more about the job from the supervisor, and I'll consider it along with the rest.

Orbital

2006-12-11T23:16:00.000-05:00

Today was the last interview that I have scheduled, and it's what, the 6th on-site interview? I went to Orbital just for the day, so that means I had the 6 am flight out and am still up now at 11:20 pm. I met with the Systems Engineering Group there, mostly in National Space Systems, which basically is national security satellite work. This may sound somewhat similar to what Northrup does, but there are some (good and bad) differences. I guess it's time to start making lists, so here it goes:
Orbital
Smaller company, so you get more exposure to different projects and managers
Shorter mission timeframes (2-3 years)
Can be involved in the whole life cycle of a project, meaning concept to building it in the clean room with the techs, to operating it on orbit
Technology demonstration projects
Involved in national security, space science, launch vehicles, etc.
Near my family in VA

Northrup (LA)/Lockheed (Sunnyvale)
Flagship projects (so they're important but also expensive and long-term)
Harder to work a project beginning to end because of the length
Ability to move around a lot in the company (one option is through rotation programs)
Involved in national security, space science, launch vehicles, etc.
In LA or a small office in DC or Sunnyvale

I just realized how tired I am, so I'll put up more thoughts soon on JPL, APL, and Booz, but now I need sleep.

For someone with my brains, I sure don't know what I want to do with my life...

APL, NoVA, and the 5-Year

2006-11-29T21:24:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I failed to mention that in my last post, I got to hang out with my very awesome friend AMY and ROB and his wife, Kelly, and their dogs. ;-)

I just got back from APL, which was a little bit of a disappointment, only because it seems they're space group isn't hiring right now. The people I met with were in Missile Defense, and they were really nice, and the work seemed pretty interesting, but I think I would be selling myself short if I were to go there to do missile work now, in hopes of doing space work later, when I can do space work now elsewhere. But APL was a nice campus, and the people were all really nice, so it's a little of a shame. I did meet one person on the way to IAC that works in the space department for APL, so I may give him a call tomorrow. I also need to check in with Lockheed Martin Denver, but I can't find the business card of the guy I interviewed with... I'm hoping the Career Center will have his contact information.

Thanksgiving and events in NoVA were also good. Thanksgiving I did a 5 mile run with TJ Crew and Alumni, and I was happy to not stop and not be last. For dinner we had my grandparents, Nik and his fiancee Kristin, her parents, my parents, and Lindsay for a little, which was a lot of fun.

Friday night was our 5-year high school reunion, and while part of me thought it might be lame, I was excited and a little nervous to go. I was pleasantly surprised though! I think over 200 people came, and I got to see people like Elisa, Sam G, Elizabeth R, Jeff P, Beth L, etc. as well as friends with whom I've kept in better touch. Lots of people are engaged or married, and there are actually a lot of TJ couples. Maybe if Lindsay reads this, she can comment on the list we thought of because she's better at remembering than I am!

Saturday I went over to my brother's (Nik's) place for his birthday, and it was fun to hang out with him and Kristin. It's nice that we get along a little better now - maybe it's because we both can drink! haha. Actually, Nik is really changing, and it's awesome to see. Then I went over to Erica's to hang out with her and Leo and the rest of the Other Lunch Group from high school. It was good to see all of them, catch up, etc., and I can't wait till Christmas to hang out with Leo, Matt, and Alex. Those guys are awesome!

Now I'm gonna finish copying these reimbursements from all my trips and see V. :-)

JPL

2006-11-24T00:11:00.000-05:00

JPL was a full day of 10 interviews and one presentation while worrying about how I was going to finish my 910 and see old friends that night. The interviews went well, and I got two offers from groups at JPL, both of which seem interesting, even though I haven't read the official job offer yet... It was fun to be back in Pasadena in my old stomping ground, but it felt weird to not have Lindsay there!

I liked the jobs at JPL (maybe one day I'll post all my options and job descriptions), but I'm still uneasy about LA. I also found out that two groups at Northrup are going to offer me a job, and one even has the option of living in Northern Virginia, but it's a smaller office.

Now I'm at home for Thanksgiving, and my grandparents, my brother Nik, his fiancee (Kristin), Kristin's parents, my parents, and Lindsay were all here today, so that was nice. And I realized on the ride home from taking L back to DC that I can't be left alone with my head for too long; it stresses me out. So many good options, and so much indecision about my life.

Northrup Grumman

2006-11-18T21:03:00.000-05:00

I've finished my Northrup interviews and am still in LA since I'm interviewing with JPL on Monday (they have me doing 10 30-minute interviews in one day!!). NG put on a great event here, and I liked the groups that I talked to. I interviewed with Modeling and Simulation, Integrated Systems Engineering Center, Power and Control Verification (testbeds), and Space Vehicles. I would rank them 1, 3, 1, 3. Yes, that two two-way ties, haha. They fed us well, let us talk to lots of new hires, and entertained us with an improv group one night.

This area of LA is also a little better than I remember/expected. Housing is about the same as Boston, and the simplest house is 500,000 smackers. But it'd be sweet to live near the beach and not far from work. There's a lot to debate, but Eric is about to be here to pick me up to go to his place for the night (No company wanted to pay for tonight, so I'm crashing as his place).

I did buy a bathing suit today because I found one with normal straps and that came in bra-like sizes. It was muy expensive, but that's what I've come to these days. I also had Jamba Juice (yum!). I should be working on Numerical Simulation, but I hate that class and that homework, so I'll do it tomorrow. Hopefully.

I'm off to Pasadena tomorrow. I'm gonna do my homework, visit Colorado Blvd, go to my old church (Mosaic) see Bob and Christian, and go to 21 Choices. Yay!

Many a-airplane ride

2006-11-12T22:43:00.000-05:00

Don't expect much out of me in the next few weeks (maybe over Thanksgiving). I have a very busy schedule with 7 cities in two and a half weeks. So partly for my sake, I will be in:
DC 12th and 13th (Booz Allen)
Boston 14th
Redondo Beach 15th-18th (Northrup Grumman)
Pasadena 19th-20th (JPL)
LA to DC 21st
DC for Thanksgiving 22nd to 26th
ATL 27th and 28th (Mars Grav Meeting)
Baltimore 29th (APL)
Then finally back to Boston...

Lockheed Martin

2006-11-07T23:30:00.000-05:00

I visited Lockheed Martin last week in Sunnyvale, CA. I went out on Oct 31st, visited Muir Woods (Redwoods) and had lunch with Chris the next day, then returned for an informal dinner with the recruits and young engineers at LM. The dinner was good because all the LM employees were fresh out of school (within the last few years), and they were very personable and seemed to enjoy the company. It's always a bonus when you get along with the people there (even if they are there because they are the more outgoing young employees).

The next day (Thursday), we started bright and early at 7 am at LM. We had breakfast and a quick overview of the Space Systems sector from their VP, and then the barrage began - six 45 minute interviews back to back. What fun! Not. (I learned how to do a "Not" joke from Borat last night, haha. If that doesn't make sense, see the movie Borat.) But in reality, the interviews weren't that bad. I talked about my research, leadership skills, experience in systems engineering and design, strengths, weaknesses, etc. a lot that day, but there really wasn't too much overlap in the exact questions, surprisingly.

About three out of the six interviews I was pretty interested in - two were in Special Programs (their ultra-secretive branch) and one was in the TSat program (I forget what T stands for), but that is for a 6 satellite constellations of the largest satellites (they need 30KW!) ever built. The TSat and one of the SP jobs were for Systems Engineering (trade studies, modeling, interfaces, etc.), and the other SP job was for modeling and simulation, but of a multiple kill vehicle.

Overall, I liked the company and its career-development program, but I just don't know if I would prefer to do defense over space. Defense may be more lucrative, but I've always been passionate about space and would like to work on the CEV if I were at LM. But I have an on-campus interview with LM Thursday, so hopefully I can pursue that route. The Sunnyvale (San Fran Bay) area is also really expensive and doesn't seem all that less crowded than LA, so that's a drawback. They do have the mountains and the beach pretty close by, though, so that's a bonus. Location will definitely be a factor in my decision, but there are a number of more companies to be visited before that happens. Up next and confirmed:
Booz Allen - 13th
Northrup Grumman - 15-17th
APL - 29th

Your Name Into Space!

2006-11-05T20:17:00.000-05:00

Dear friends and fans of Mars Gravity (my research project) -

It's been an exciting week for the team! - culminating in a front page
article in today's Boston Globe, which you can check out online at:
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2006/11/03/prime_ad_space_in_space.

So what's all the excitement about??

In a novel bid to pay our own way into space, we are now inviting
people around the world to make our spacecraft their high tech canvas.
This week we launched a new website - YourNameIntoSpace.org - where
individuals and organizations can decorate the satellite and our
website with logos, photos, names, and messages. For a tax-deductible
donation as low as $35, anyone can send their message into orbit! For
a larger donation, you can reserve space on the reentry vehicle, and
at the end of the mission the space hardware bearing your actual logo,
photo, message, etc will be returned to you. At YourNameIntoSpace.org,
kids of all ages can also add their names for free to a DVD that will
fly onboard the spacecraft.

We're thrilled to be able to share the excitement of space exploration
with everyone! With this website, we're opening a new frontier for
public and corporate participation in cutting edge research and space
adventure - and making it possible for everyone from students to
multinational corporations to be involved in our landmark mission.
YourNameIntoSpace.org uses the global reach and immediacy of New Media
and Web 2.0 to make that star-filled frontier just one mouse-click
away. So please, join us in making this satellite a high tech canvas
for photos, artwork, declarations of love, well-wishes, greetings from
space, names - use your imagination!

-The Mars Gravity team at
www.YourNameIntoSpace.org

Waterfire

2006-11-05T01:00:00.000-05:00

I've wanted to go back and post about a great night V and I had back in September. We went to Waterfire in Providence, RI. Here, they set floating wooden stands on fire in the middle of the river, playing classical and worldy-music all along the riverbed. There were thousands of people there to watch the fires, but it was so peaceful. V and I walked along the river some, and then we got some champagne and sat by the river, just watching the fire. We were mesmermized. We slowed down. We watched, doing nothing except enjoying the scene and each other's presence. Waterfire was simultaneously playful yet meditative and full of energy yet relaxing. It was a very romantic night that also made me pause the fast-forward button on my life. Just thinking about it makes me happy and relaxed, but I need more.

To Sunnyvale

2006-10-30T23:18:00.000-05:00

So I'm headed to Sunnyvale tomorrow to interview with Lockheed Martin. I haven't even done a first-round, and they've invited me out there. It's kind of cool, but I don't really understand why. It's a sudden trip (I just got confirmation to come last Thursday), but I hear that's how this kind of thing goes. I'll let you know how it turns out!

A Fence?

2006-10-26T10:35:00.000-05:00

So apparently the U.S. will be installing 700 miles of new fencing along the U.S.-Mexico border.

I once heard that astronauts, while in space, note how there are no borders, no countries, and no distinctions on the Earth below. The Earth is one place with one people, and there are no differences between us. Even though they won't be able to see the new fence, that dream is gone, but hopefully temporarily.

Valencia and Portugal

2006-10-21T23:52:00.000-05:00

I finally am updating on my trip to Valencia and Portugal. It's taken me a while to catch up with classes and Mars Gravity, but I'll get a word in now. I went to Valencia, Spain on a NASA sponsorship for the International Astronautical Congress. There were 13 of us that were chosen by NASA from the student abstracts submitted, and we were all in the same hotel, so it was nice to have a group of people with whom I could hang out. The first day I was there, I toured around the old town of Valencia by myself, doing some sightseeing, eating, etc. I spent some time in the Cathedral and its tower overlooking the city, and then I also had some gelato, and they had the wonderful Ferrero Roche flavor that I remember so well from Italy. yum! (And I probably had it at least twice more while I was there.)

The next day, I went to the Royal Gardens, the art museum, etc., and then walked along the old river bed, which is now a huge park. It was surprisingly warm there, and the one thing I didn't bring was a swimsuit, and I wish I had. That day we met up with all the other NASA students and went out to dinner, where I had vegetarian paella. It's so tasty and good - I bought saffron, so I'll have to try it here. It was a little hard to find vegetarian paella, but we did manage a couple of times. My roommate for the IAC, Mamta, is also a vegetarian, so we could stick together throughout the week.

The conference started Monday at the new "Arts and Sciences Palace." The place (it was actually 3 different buildings) was very futuristic looking and quite a large complex, so it was a cool setting for the conference, even if the facilities weren't all that great. As the NASA group, we did get to meet with Mike Griffin, and I was again reminded about how rude he can be when answering questions. He's very straightforward, which is great, but I think he needs to balance his responses a little more. We also met with the current head of Space Operations and the new head of the Space Exploration Division. They were very willing to answer all of our questions and were excellent speakers, so that was a nice aspect of the conference.

I gave my talk on Wednesday morning. My session chair was very enthusiastic about my paper, so that helped to give me some more confidence before I had to speak. Some of the NASA students that I'd known for a while were also there, and it was nice to have their support. I was a little nervous in front of them, though, because I wanted to impress them since they knew me. The talk went well, and I had answerable questions, so I would deem it a success. It wasn't the largest group I have ever presented for, but there were still about 40 or so people there, which was pretty large for the conference sessions.

Overall the conference was just too large to do any quality networking, which is a shame. It was hard to meet people with similar interests because the sessions were so long that people would wander in and out, making it hard to track anyone down. They also didn't have any meal times or many booths set up, which, for the Small Sat Conf, was a great time to network.

Anyways, enough of the conference. Thursday we did some shopping before Miguel and I left that night for Portugal. We stayed in Portugal from late Thursday to early Tuesday morning, so we had 4 full days to explore the Lisbon area. We saw a lot of great sites - the original castle, old Cathedrals, new and old monuments, the towers guarding the river, the neighboring towns of Sintra and Cascais (via a small guided tour), etc. All the pictures are up on my ofoto site, so you can look there (e-mail me for the login info, if you don't have it).

It also finally took sending me to Portugal to actually go out and do some clothes shopping. It´s not anything too European, but it was necessary. All the European clothes there are not really my style anyways. I bought a new skirt too that´ll be good for salsa dancing, some new summer and winter shirts, and some new jewelry (I couldn't resist).

One tough thing about Portugal was that EVERYTHING had meat or fish in it. Miguel was very good about being patient and helping to find a restaurant I´ll eat in as well. So we had some good Italian, Indian, Lebanese, pastries, etc. :-)

Our last day went well, but it turns out all of the museums are closed on Mondays! We still managed to see some more sights and more of the city. I definitely enjoyed the vacation, but I missed the US some. It´s funny, though, because I was only a little homesick because I wish I could have been in the US doing nothing/relaxing with my friends, my family, etc. Instead, I have to go to a foreign country to allow myself to take a break! I want things to change in that department, but I will need some help...

Our flight home was eventful - arriving in London, there was a bomb scare that shut down the terminal our incoming plane needed to go to. They wouldn't let us off for about an hour, and after they did, they took us to another main terminal. By the time we went through Heathrow security, our plane's doors were closed, and there was no way we could get to Boston that day. So we were stuck with no one willing to cough up the money for a hotel. Luckily I was with Miguel and another NASA guy, so we decided (after much internal struggle) to pony up the $300 for a 2-person room and make do. (Everything was really expensive near the airport, and all the cheapest places were booked.) But, we ended up getting a suite for some reason, so it worked out alright in the end. We did make it home to Boston the next day, and we returned to the hectic and stressful life here.

Two days later, I left for VA to go to BJ & Kim's wedding. Now that was a fun weekend with great old friends, and what a site seeing Brian Johnson tie the knot! Congrats!

To Rebekah, from Iberia

2006-10-09T15:37:00.000-05:00

I just thought I would say hi because I´m in Portugal and was previously in Valencia, so not far from our fun adventures in and around Madrid. I have definitely been reminded of you a lot - from frozen yogurt at McDonald´s on a hot day (so American...) to yummy paella (so Spanish!) to aqueducts in Lisbon like the impressive ones we saw in Segovia. It makes me miss you even more! And I was going to e-mail this, but since you´re a blog-lover, I figured I would post it here and then update on the rest of my trip later. :-)

Pre-IAC

2006-09-28T23:44:00.000-05:00

I'm going to Spain tomorrow! This trip is paid for by NASA to go to the International Astronautical Conference in Valencia. For some reason they liked my abstract enough to select me as a funded student, so yaaaaaaaaaay NASA!

Then I'm going to Portugal for a mini vacation. :-)

I promise to take lots of pictures and fill you in when I get back.

A quick summary before Spain

2006-09-26T13:34:00.000-05:00

I'm going to Spain and then Portugal for a conference and some travel time, and I'm leaving on Friday! I have a ton to do before then, and I'm sure I'll have lots of posts after, but I need to post about:
- my phone bad luck then good luck
- over-stressing and 60-65 hours/week at the office, yet this is grad school
- Waterfire in Providence (which was awesome)
- how good cheesecake is yet how I should not eat it
- how I'm still confused about what to do and that the MIT Career Office doesn't make looking for a job any easier

4.5!

2006-09-18T00:18:00.000-05:00

So I did finally get to go running on Friday. :-) When I went running with V Sunday, he mentioned how he likes to push himself when running, but that's something I rarely do because I feel that even running at all is pushing myself. But since I had a long week and hadn't really worked out in 5 days, I decided I would push myself Friday. The most I had run since crew in high school was what I run pretty regularly - about 3 miles. But Friday I ran 4.6 miles! There were times when I wanted to stop, but I just kept going, and I made it all the way around my loop without walking. I'm really proud of myself!

I think I need to push myself to run my regular 3 mile loop faster, and when I have time, I'll do the 4.6 loop. It's funny that I enjoy running (as long as I can go my pace) now. I do think I need new shoes, though, and I need to keep up with my ankle strengthening exercises, because my ankles are often the thing that hurts the most.

Maybe some day I'll be Rebekah. ;-) Or Alan. Or Mike. Those crazy kids!

Late nights and too busy of a week

2006-09-14T19:22:00.000-05:00

So I guess I should post about something other than my mom being funny, but I have just been sooooo busy lately. Normally I stay really busy with research and dancing and whatnot, but I've never really stayed in the lab for 12 hours straight or till 1 am or anything crazy ... until now. There is just too much going on with research presentations, conference paper and presentation deadlines, organizing a new team, getting a new fall intern here and settled, quals, classes, dancing, boys, and the list goes on.

I got interrupted earlier for a telecon, and now I'm at work waiting for a bunch of crap to print. I really should go home and go to bed so I can go and party with Liz for her birthday. And for Lindsay's birthday in spirit. ;-)

And I really want to go running tomorrow, so I think I'll skip happy hour for that. Who ever thought I would say I want to go running?? Crazy!

hussy?

2006-09-10T20:31:00.000-05:00

My mom called me a hussy yesterday.

in a loving way of course. hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Some ponderings

2006-09-03T08:53:00.000-05:00

It seems that there is so much going on right now that I don't even want to start a blog about it all - figuring out classes, do I want a PhD, am I going to take the quals in any case, orientation and me being the Aero/Astro chair of that, researching for and writing a conference paper, etc, etc. But since I'm going to church in a few minutes, I will instead ponder a few questions for myself which no one else will probably get.

Sometimes I don't understand me. Do I just like shopping? Do I not want to invest? Is just just for fun? Is there something missing that I'm trying to fill? I am confused ... or am I?

A real SLC Update and I'm 23!

2006-08-21T21:25:00.000-05:00

ISo I'm finally back and recovered from SLC and my birthday, so I thought I should post.

I went to Salt Lake late on Friday the 11th and got in around midnight. I stayed close to the airport then toured around Salt Lake City the next morning. I went to Temple Square, which has a whole bunch of Mormon sites. The grounds were gorgeous, but I was a little freaked out by the people, honestly. All the couples there were mid 20s with 2 kids and another on the way. It was just a little too freaky for me. I learned a little more about the Mormon faith, and they are much more different than Christians.

That afternoon I went to Park City, which is where the Olympics were in 2002. I went horseback riding, and the views were gorgeous. My pictures just won't do it credit, and for some reason Firefox won't let me upload them right now. While riding, we went through the ski slopes of the resort, and it really made me want to go skiing. I want it to stay warm longer, but I also can't wait till I get to go skiing again. I need to stop writing so much or this will take forever and a day.

That night I stayed in Logan at Utah State University, where the conference was located. The next day I gave my talk on Risk Management of Student-run, Small Satellite Programs at the CubeSat Workshop. It was somewhat laid back, so I had a few jokes and funny pictures, and I enjoyed getting a few (intentional) laughs from the audience. That afternoon I drove up to Bear Lake, which has gorgeous blue water (like the color of the Caribbean water). I laid on the beach for a while, then I took a jaunt over to Wyoming and Idaho, neither of which I'd been to before. So now I've been to 40 states!

The conference was Monday - Thursday, and with 800 attendees and a packed schedule, it was a little intimidating, but I got the hang of it. Some of the technical talks were too much, but they also had exhibit booths right outside so we could talk to companies as well. I met up with some guys from the Naval Postgraduate School so I had some people to talk with since I didn't know anyone there. They also kept us busy in the afternoon, and Monday USU's Space Dynamics Lab had a party with an open bar. :-) And Tuesday, 4 of the companies hosted parties, all with an open bar. :-) The only problem was you couldn't drink too much because you still had to be on good behavior! The third night, we went to an amusement park-like place, with lots of cool rides, and it was all free and open, so that was pretty sweet too. My favorite was the "flying" ride where they hoist you up to a point then let you swing on ropes from a center structure. They have them at most amusement parks, but we got to ride it for free. yay!

The next day was the last day of the conference, and I finally got a change to talk with the Cal Poly people that put on the CubeSat workshop, so that was nice. That afternoon I went hiking up to Wind Cave, but I can't find any pics online and mine still won't load. But the area used to be under water, and these caves were formed when water eroded away limestone underneat the ground. Then the lake bed dried up and Logan River formed a canyon and ended up exposing these caves. It was a pretty hard hike, but the views were once again gorgeous, and it was pretty nice to be alone for a while after the long conference.

I also tried going to a geneaology library to find some information for my grandparents, but I was no good at finding people because I just didn't know enough about where people were born and whatnot.

Then to SLC (in a hurry) and the redeye, which sucked. I wasn't feeling well on the second leg of the plane ride, so I splurged and took a taxi home - go me! Then I did a little work then napped and finally went to work in the afternoon.

Now to the birthday...

That night I went salsa dancing at Havana with my salsa friends, and that was good, although some of my favorite people weren't there, which was sad. I got to be the center of a birthday circle (the girl is in the center, and the guys form a circle around you and take turns dancing with you, and everyone watches), though, so that was cool. I ended up staying till the end, which is rare for me, especially on 4 hours of sleep!

On my actual birthday, I had a chill day of finishing organizing my room, cleaning a little, shopping a little, etc. That night people came over to drink, then we went dancing at the Big Easy, which always seems to be a good time. I was sufficiently drunk, but not too wasted, and I stopped early, so I wasn't even hungover! Yay! I definitely had a good time and appreciated everyone being there that could. :-)

And Mars Gravity pulled one on me today! They said that we had a meeting at 11 with the management for fundraising, and these meetings often run 2 hours, so I was prepared to be there for a while, and even brought my lunch. But instead, Rosie, Thaddeus, and Erika (and Dan wishes he could have been there) took me out to a really nice lunch at the Top of the Hub. It was really, really sweet and generous of them, so thank you!!

In other news, V is at home in Greece, so I hope he's having fun, but I look forward to him returning. And Silverio is 21 today! (on the 21st! yay!)

I have written way too much, so I'll stop here and maybe update more this weekend. :-)

Brief Update - SLC

2006-08-18T04:54:00.000-05:00

I'm in the airport in NY on a layover from my flight from Salt Lake City to Boston. I had the redeye (I don't know why I still fly red-eyes, other than the day flight was much more expensive), so I won't be able to make a full post since we board soon.

I was in Utah (Logan) for the AIAA/USU Conference on Small Satellites and CubeSat Workshop. This was my first real conference (I'm not counting the NASA Fellowship Symposiums), and it was a really great time! Ack, we're actually boarding early, but I'll update this (relatively) soon.

My first real apartment

2006-08-07T21:03:00.000-05:00

So some might say I had my first real apartment in CA with Lindsay, and we definitely had our own place and paid our own bills and all, but it was a relatively short term (6 months) stay where I slept on an AeroBed (which I didn't mind) and didn't have internet for a while. Lindsay and I managed to entertain ourselves though. 0:-)

But now I'm living off campus in a real apartment with roommates I chose. (Although I did choose 207 girls too, so I've had bits of reality throughout the years.) It started out grungy (but now is no longer thanks to help from my parents - thank you!!), and we're still working on making it "home", but it's already a great start. I feel a little more like an adult, even though my stuff is still all crammed into a little 11'x12' room. I'm looking forward to this year with Alan and Mike as my apartment-mates, and with Ted, Sean, and Scott as our building-mates downstairs. And Liz is across the street when I need some quick girl time since it's me and 5 guys. But oh what fun it will be!

And I don't know what to say about this new guy, but he's awesome, and I think I'm addicted...

2006-07-30T22:08:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling unsettled, and I don't quite know why. With my move this week, I think I am balancing too many things and trying to organize my thoughts, clothes, stuff, life in general too far in advance. But I don't think that's all of it, yet I can't place my finger on it.

Maybe it'll help if I talk about how I got my life more settled this weekend. I finally planned my trip to Salt Lake City, and I'm going to take two extra days at the beginning to sight-see in Utah. Except I had to miss to church because I finally got word I could go, and I didn't want to wait any longer to buy the tickets. I also organized my music and got rid of a lot of songs I don't listen to. I started packing, but it's hard to do it in chunks, so that's a little unsettling. I also did some good work on website, but there is still so much more I should do before Utah (and in order to write my paper for Valencia). How did this list start to become a list of unfinished things? Arghh.

I hate how I left things with O; I should e-mail him, but I don't know what to say...

One way I can tell when I'm stressed/nervous/anxious/etc. is that it's hard to take a deep breath. It's just really annoying because I have to concentrate on getting enough of a breath, and I have to work at yawning. It's a telltale sign, though, that something is going on in my head that I should definitely force out of there.

And I feel unsettled because I never get to hang out enough with friends. I see my salsa friends at least twice a week (because of practice), and that and work are interfering with my time to go out with MIT friends, Ben and Adele, Oren, Kristy, etc. I'm sorry for not having enough time for you.

My blog is starting to be a one-way therapist. Well I guess not quite one-way, because I have my awesome commenters. :-) So I haven't really resolved anything, but I think I just need to try to relax, breathe, and take a vacation as V suggested. And what a good distraction he is. ;-)

Summer is too busy

2006-07-24T15:08:00.000-05:00

I need to vent off some steam, so I'm going to take a few minutes to blog at work. I'm getting frustrated by Mars Gravity and its lack of staff. We need an administrative assisstant (or at least I need one!), and those jobs often falls on the managers and Rosie, which it shouldn't. We also pay admins in the department, but they don't actually do much work for us. We actually pay multiple people that do no work for us! This is especially frustrating to me because I am still trying to get Mars Gravity to pay me next year, and I need $18,000, which they are having trouble setting aside. And I work my @$$ off for them.

Which brings me to my next complaint. Summer is supposed to be FUN and relaxed, but I have a meeting (or 2) every day. Each meeting, of course, requires preparation and work to plan it, especially since I am leading most of them. And then I get assigned tasks at each meeting, which just increases my workload even more. I'm more convinced that I need a secretary. And Mars Gravity isn't even paying me! I would like to work on some of my paper that's due at the end of the summer for Valencia, but I can't seem to find time. The Mars Grav list just keeps growing, and I don't have enough time (while still having some semblance of a life) to get it all done. I need help, but all the other managers are busy with their own teams. I can't lead two teams with 10 undergraduates (total) and expect to get anything done myself. Talking about this right now isn't really helping like I thought it would, so I think I'll stop.

Another annoying thing I would like to get ahold of is everything I do outside of class too. Tonight I have three things I am supposed to be at at the same time, and I can't seem to not let anyone down. Why do I have to feel guilt? Let's get rid of the concept and the feeling, please. Can't I just pour it down the drain with my spoiled milk? That's where it belongs. Yet I can't because I don't want to let anyone else down. But eventually I'll be letting myself down.

I need to stop posting and get back to work. :-(

NASA Conference

2006-07-22T18:02:00.000-05:00

So I'm pretty darn tired, but I do want to get a post in. I was at a NASA Symposium from Sun-Thurs in Alabama that was basically for women and minorities in various fellowship programs through NASA. I am a Harriet Jenkins Fellow, so that's why I was there. While some of the conference was pretty boring, I got to hang out with a lot of cool people that I had met last year, and, of course, I tried to meet all the newbies. I find it hard to make myself network, so I really need to get better at that. I think I need to make business cards for myself.

The conference overall was inspiring because of all the people thrilled about NASA and the space industry in general. I had hoped to gain some more insight on whether or not I should get a PhD, but I didn't come away with any more of a strong feeling one way or the other. I thought this conference might push me back toward getting a PhD, but it was just a little nudge in that direction. People also seemed to like what I have been working on for my Master's thesis (Risk Management of Student-run, Small Satellites), so that was encouraging.

On a social note, one night they had a Latin band play, and when they played a salsa song, another Jenkins fellow and I got on stage and danced in front of 150 people! Mind you, we hadn't danced together, really, and here we are on a carpeted stage in an impromptu performance! Everyone said we looked really good, though, and dancing with him was awesome. I shouldn't talk more about it now because then I'll want to go dancing right away. I'll miss him! Kenny and I also gave salsa lessons at the bar that night, so we had an evening of salsa and merengue, which was waaaay fun!

And I should really write less personal stuff up here, because I don't want to post anything sad about past relationships. Oh well, I guess that's the trouble of blogging sometimes! We just move along and hold on to good memories instead. :-)

Beth's Wedding

2006-07-12T00:40:00.000-05:00

Last weekend was Beth's wedding, and it was an awesome time. First of all, it was in Northern Virginia, so I went home for about 3.5 days. Thursday night my Uncle Kurt was in town, so we brought him to karaoke at COK, which was a blast. I embarrassed myself thoroughly by singing an explicit song, but he told the waitress we were dating, so I think we're even. And Kurt was kind enough to treat us to drinks, so that was really nice.

Friday I hung around and tried getting rid of unneeded stuff in my room, which is always hard for me to do because I'm an incessant packrat. But I made a lot of headway this time around, so I can be somewhat proud. Friday night, Lindsay, Chrissie, and I went to Pentagon City to shop, eat Lebanese food, and drink wine. We of course had an excellent time girl-talking, and there were lots of items on which we needed to catch up and compare notes. 0:-) Two soldiers came over to hit on us at one point, and, honestly, even though I wasn't attracted to them, they did an excellent job. I can't say it's easy to walk up to three girls and strike up a conversation with all three that doesn't end up lingering too much on one person. I need to take lessons from those men!

Saturday was the wedding, and it was great. Almost all of our group of high school friends were there, and we definitely became the slightly obnoxious ones at the wedding. Someone has to be the life of the party and take up singing at the table, mosh-pit dancing,...do I need to go on? And free beer and wine had probably only a fraction of something to do with that behavior. I've drank plenty with this group before, but besides karaoke (which not everyone had been to), this was by far the most fun we've had. And the best part of the night was giving Beth the book "The Guide to Getting It On" just a few minutes before they left for the evening. How perfect. :-)

Sunday Lindsay came over to watch the World Cup, so I'm glad I got extra time with her. I was sad to go Sunday to return to this mess of a life because I really love my high school friends, and I love being home for a while. I really do love Boston, but I loved the more carefree feeling of being in Virginia with people I've cared about for a long time.

Going to weddings is getting a little less surreal, but I still can't believe we're old enough to get married, especially when I've known the bride since before she could drive. I can't imagine what it feels like for the family! Ok, sappy time over.

On a completely different note, I like blogging because I like people reading my thoughts and being able to catch up with what's going on with my life. I don't mind that we aren't necessarily talking all the time for you to hear about me, but I want to hear about you too! So start a blog! The one beef I have with it is that I'm tempted to write very personal things on my blog, but I don't want to, but I also don't want to write them anywhere else because then I'm updating two journals. So all those thoughts I want to write get bottled up inside. And spilled at Girl's Nights...

Girl Time

2006-07-07T23:54:00.000-05:00

Jen and Kristy came up for the end of the weekend and July 4, and let me just say I love those girls! I miss talking about everything and anything. I miss doing horribly stupid yet funny things and being my complete self. I miss the reassurance and the advice they provide. I miss 207! My MIT friends are great, and maybe there just hasn't been enough time to get close, but these relationships are at a different level. And tonight I went out with Lindsay and Chrissie, and we also had a great Girl's Night talking about everything on our minds.

Odis got his orders to King's Bay, GA, but instead of leaving in October, he's leaving in August. :-/ It's great for him, and I can tell he's really happy, but it just makes everything with "us" more difficult. But he's amazingly considerate, attentive, caring, communicative, and attractive ;-), so I'll be sad to see him go...

I'm very tired now, and Beth's wedding is tomorrow, so I hope to be back on soon to tell you all about it!

Newport, RI

2006-06-19T20:28:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was my first trip to Newport, RI. The Navy boy I've been alluding to (whose name is Odis) lives down there, so I went for a weekend visit. And what an amazing weekend it was! I headed down on Friday afternoon, and even though the traffic sucked, I managed to stay somewhat relaxed, maybe because I knew I would be with him soon. Since we couldn't stay on the base at his place (military rules...), we stayed at this really nice Inn in Newport. It really made me feel like such an adult to stay at such a nice, non-chain inn. After dinner, we went on base to see the sunset, which my camera can't really do justice:

We had a good discussion that night about what might be in store for us. It seems early to talk about it, but I really appreciate his openness and his desire to really hear what I am thinking. I always say communication is so important, but it's just soooo much easier when you know the other person wants to communicate and be open as well and when they help to initiate those discussions.

The next day, we tried to go sailing, but there wasn't much wind, so we went to the Cliff Walk instead. It was a gorgeous day outside, and we walked most of the 3.5 mile (each way) trail to check out the mansions, flowers, and gorgeous seascape. My allergies decided to attack me, but it was still awesome.

That afternoon, we went to the Sakonnet Vineyard for an OK tour and a great wine tasting. I think we both learned a lot about the types of grapes, how wine is aged and what flavor it gives to the wine, and what we, in general, like. We then went for Thai food (yum), a drive along the mansions (which are crazy huge), ice cream at Newport Creamery (yum again), and the movie Nacho Libre (moderately funny, but too much of the humor of Napolean Dynamite). The next morning we relaxed and stayed in till church, but then the service was cancelled, so we went to the downtown area to walk around and to get some lunch. Then it was time to say goodbye. :-(

I know I'm not being very eloquent, so I'm sorry about that. Just know that it was awesome and I had an amazing time. Odis is amazing with the little (and big!) things that just make a girl smile, and he really is sweeping me off my feet. :-)

Brokeback Mountatin

2006-06-15T08:51:00.000-05:00

So I finally watched Brokeback Mountain last night, and it really wasn't all that great. Even with the slow, seemingly methodical development of characters, it still didn't seem credible. Maybe if I were a gay man, this process of events would be more realistic, but their story had me wondering how gay they really were. I do understand that some gay men have wives and some lesbians have husbands, but Ennis' and Jack's trists seemed to be more of a matter of convenience at first and a means of "getting away" as the story progressed. It became more apparent that both of them were really homosexual as the film progressed, but I think this part of the story was too ambiguous.

Both men, though, do seem unsettled and uncomfortable with the fact that they are at least partly homosexual. This desire to feel and seem "normal" applies to everyone, but after talking with some of my friends a while back, I do know for sure it's a feeling many gay people have. It's difficult and trying to be different, and sometimes getting rid of traits you were born with just seems easier than living with them.

Overall, I think this is a decent movie with great acting and gorgeous scenery shots, but it has been overhyped and overpraised for its social significance. The movie is overrun by conventional thoughts on homosexuality, and to the average movie-goer, I think the bigger (and more tolerant and understanding) picture will be missed. But I'd be remiss in writing a blog about this movie without saying that Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger and hottttttt. (You didn't think I could be serious for an entire blog, did you?)

MIT Graduation, but not for me (yet)

2006-06-09T12:09:00.000-05:00

It feels like I just posted, but I was kindly reminded that I have indeed not and need to get back on top of my blog! My days are just going by so quickly because I'm working on so many different things - my own research for my thesis, a conference paper, and training and helping my new interns. I have seven interns working so far, and I'm supposed to get a few more international students in the weeks to come. So my days fly by, which really isn't something to complain about too much. I was worried I would be extremely bored without classes, and so far the summer has proven the opposite.

The weight loss is going alright, but slower than I wanted. But then again, I'm not being too strict on myself at all. I'm down 4 pounds with 2 more to go, but I have a feeling the last 2 will be the hardest.

The last random thought on my mind is that today is MIT's graduation. They don't have enough room for all the family and friends, so they broadcast it live through MIT's website. It was pretty cool to be able to watch while working and just see what it's like and catch some of the speakers. That's a whole lotta smart people in one place! It made me a little homesick to see all the parents and family with the graduates, so I'm glad my parents are coming up in two weeks to go to Cape Cod. And then I'll be home just after that for Beth's wedding, so we'll get a little more time together. Seeing graduation also makes me miss Georgia Tech a little. I missed it a month ago when I knew GT had its graduation, but seeing everyone in robes and thinking about moving on from undergrad brings back wonderful memories from down South. I have to say I'm glad I've moved on and am not there for graduate school, but today I'll admit I miss it more than a tad. But we go onward and upward (and in my case, northward!).

How the tables have turned

2006-06-01T16:10:00.000-05:00

I've been wanting to blog for three days now, but I've just been so busy. I had six interns start yesterday, and preparing for and briefing them has been a big time-consumer. They're starting to get a little more settled now, which is good, but I have to constantly stay on top of them to make sure they're on the right track. They're doing well so far, though, even if it's only been two days, and I'm happy to be working with them. I just wish they were working on my research and not general Mars Gravity work. ;-)

We also had an ice cream social yesterday for the graduate students, faculty, and staff. It went really well, and we had a huge turnout for our department. Everyone really enjoyed it, and it just makes me happy that we do all the social activities that we do so that we can get everyone to take a break and mingle with other people in the department.

Finally, to what I really wanted to blog about...
So I've gone out on a few dates with this guy who lives about an hour and a half away. Things are going really well, but he has to move (he'll be re-stationed) in October (or around then) this year. We actually already talked about this fact, and he wants to not worry at all about the fact that the October move is coming. And my first reaction is that I can't do it. But then I think back about how those exact words came out of my mouth last fall, and I truly believed them. Why is this different?

When I was going through this with someone last fall, his prospective move date was 7-8 months away, and now it's 5ish months away. Maybe that seems like a huge difference to me? Maybe I see it as potentially hurtful (for both parties) and unproductive for my long-term needs? This might be analyzing the situation way too much, but after a "shorter" amount of time, I see two people breaking up if someone moves, but with a longer amount of time, you are more likely to stay together. I know I shouldn't think this far in advance, but I have to admit that's what went through my head. Moving is the crappy thing about being a student (or being in the military) - people's schedules just don't seem to overlap in the right way.

So I guess my plan is for now to not have a plan and see how it goes, as Lindsay so aptly suggested...

The start of wedding season

2006-05-28T00:22:00.000-05:00

Even though I promised Amy I would blog about my date, I'm instead going to talk about weddings. I went to Kara and John's wedding today, which was very nice, and it was entertaining to hang out with people from lab, including one of the advisors, outside of work. And we took many trips to the car to "spice up" our dry drinks.

But you know, I had high hopes for this wedding all because of Wedding Crashers! It's so true that weddings are perfect places to pick up women. The women are at a sentimental prime, just edging them even closer to hooking up with someone. And maybe somewhere in our heads, we think the men are going to be more sentimental because they just witnessed this powerful show of love (I know, who am I kidding). But really, they should even do the bouquet and garter toss earlier just so you can see who's single!

I don't want to feel like I'm "behind" in the game of love, but it's hard to not when it seems like everyone is engaged or married! I know it's definitely not everyone, but doesn't it sure feel that way? Especially when all those youngins are getting hitched!

I've been thinking some things I can't blog about. But I can say I'm trying to fight the feeling of regret, and it's only sort of working. :-/

2 Master's?

2006-05-17T21:46:00.000-05:00

So I've had a new thought about the PhD/no PhD question. As I mentioned before, I don't much like research, and I think it's because I haven't found something specific for which I am over-the-top passionate. Research, in a non-application purpose, is a little, well, boring. I do like school, and I like aerospace engineering, but I don't know if there is anything I would want to spend 3-4 years working on a PhD on.
But I digress, so back to the new thought. How about 2 Master's? There is a program called Engineering Systems Division, and they have an Engineering Systems Master's degree. I like MIT, and I like taking classes, so why not get two Master's degrees to give me an edge and to get to enjoy it here a little more?

I'm not feeling very talkative tonight, but these are the thoughts on my mind. Of course, I need to find full funding! And that's a whole 'nother worrisome issue.

When do you know?

2006-05-09T21:34:00.000-05:00

Many people ask, "When do you know you're in love?" or "When do you know he's the right one?," but I ask "When do you know you're going to make out?" Now this is a little personal, but it's an interesting subject.

So Lindsay and I were talking the other day about boys, as always, and we mentioned some recent situations where we ended up make out with some people we weren't expecting to do anything physical with. Oddly enough, I was talking about this with the guy a few days later. Even though no signs had been given all night, he knew what was going to happen after we'd been standing outside my door for more than five minutes talking. In my naive mind, this was just a time to catch up because we hadn't seen each other in a while, and we're friends. I didn't know it was going to happen until it was. But somehow he knew. What is it that he saw that I didn't?

In Lindsay's case, her guy knew the day he met her at soccer. Was it because he wanted to hook up with her, so he knew he would make it so? Do only guys get those kinds of thoughts? Or do girls walk into a bar and immediately know they can get whichever guy they want?

Lindsay says she knew as soon as he put his hand on her thigh. Not too low, not too high. And then he kept it there. So there is something definite about touch. I imagine that this is the single greatest guarantee that something physical will happen between two people (as long as the girl is at least slightly interested, of course. I find that touch is extremely powerful, and most of us are deprived of enough touch to really meet our needs. Because of this inherent desire to be physically close to someone, when we are touched, that pleasureful feeling may just make hooking up inevitable.

So my basic thoughts are:
Guys know much sooner than girls that the couple will eventually make out
Touch (and I should say welcomed touch) is almost a sure-fire way to ensure that something physical happens. ;-)

Bye bye random free junk food we always seem to get at school

2006-05-07T08:43:00.000-05:00

I measured out my cereal this morning. It's part of a big step for me, but one I've finally decided to stick to - losing 6 pounds. Some people may think it's silly, but I am now admitting that in the past year I put on 6 pounds, and I want it off. Gone! So I've started counting calories, cutting out the junk I've started eating, and making a concerted effort to exercise on more days.

So I'm giving myself about 5 weeks since it'll take some time to see what works, but it officially starts today!

So many comments yay!

2006-04-27T14:49:00.000-05:00

I'm excited about all the comments on the last post! I definitely agree with most of what everyone said. There is obviously no reason to be "dumb" to please a guy, but sometimes it can be a little intimidating. There is also no reason to lie, but being too proud of our nerdiness right away can also be scary. And Matt had a good point when he said there is a limit to how aggressive a woman should be - but his limit is more "annoying" than "aggressive" it seems. But thanks again for all the comments. My goal is to just have fun and go with the flow. :-)

In other WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY exciting news, I submitted an abstract to a conference in Valencia, Spain, which is taking place in early October this year. I got accepted to present, which is great, but what's even better is that I'm one of the few students NASA is funding to go!! So I get a free trip to Spain!! Wahoooooooo! Anyone have any suggestions on where else I should visit in the 2-3 days I have before and after? (The conference is M-F, but I plan on staying at least over the weekend.) I've been to Madrid, Barcelona, Toledo, Segovia, Cordoba, Sevilla, and Granada, so I'd like to explore some place new.

And finally, this is my 100th post. Seems like not too long ago that I started, but I'm impressed I've stuck with it this long. Now time for me to say something cheesy like "Here's to another 100." :-)

Aggressors and smart women - turn-on or turn-off?

2006-04-24T22:35:00.000-05:00

One thing I hate about blogging is trying not to be *too* personal. I think Jen does a great job of pouring herself out without us (or at least, the majority of us) knowing who she's talking about when she refers to people other than herself. But I can't even attempt to say what I've shared with only a few because I will be embarrassed if everyone reads it! And for some reason I think you'll see me as weak, which isn't on my top 10 ways for my general friends (and not-so-friends) to see me.

In a bad 30-hour stretch with many things going wrong (including getting sick when I was supposed to drink and go out with friends), a short, but seemingly good relationship ended. Without going into any details, I just have to say that men can be just as confusing as women, and I've now been through enough relationships in the past 2 or so years to know that it's a fact!

Today a very good friend of mine and I talked about the "game" when it comes to those annoying but wonderful beings we call men. Some interesting things came out of the discussion, and I think a hotly debated topic is the idea of a woman being the aggressor. Some men find it a turn-on, but only for short-term flings. Others love it all the time. And others don't want any part of it. How are we supposed to know what to do!? I guess that's all part of the mystique and fun of the chase.

Another interesting twist is when you throw a smart woman into the mix. We don't want to hide who we are and what we find interesting, but how much should one "censor" what they say in order to not scare someone away? Now I'm not talking super-nerd here, but when does a smart woman become a turn-on, and when does it become too much for the man?

Thoughts anyone?

Just Stop Smoking

2006-04-22T23:51:00.000-05:00

I went to see Thank You For Smoking tonight with some dance friends, and I walked away from it thinking two things. 1) We need to question more what people state as fact and 2) everyone should stop smoking - now. The film doesn't dwell on the dangers of smoking. There is nothing as extreme as dying 40-year olds that need oxygen masks 100% of the time to live and have laryngeal cancer. It's the satire and biting humor that got to me. With that kind of tone, you can't help but think how stupid it is to smoke.

I don't think everyone will see the movie and feel it was another convincing argument against smoking. A number of reviewers stated that this film would do well on college campuses and with the university-minded. It made me wonder if those types of people will feel the same way I did, or if I'm just odd, and anything that has even the slightest overtone of being against smoking will make me raise my banner and march along with them. But truth be told, dearest blog readers, it's stupid, so please quit.

Missing Home

2006-04-17T22:32:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the timing is odd when you miss home. I had a good weekend, but for some reason last night I just really wanted to be with my family. Maybe it was the sadness during the movie Crash that we watched, maybe it was because it was Easter, or maybe it's because it's been a while since I've been home. Maybe it's not that I'm sad I'm not with my family (any/all of it, not just my parents), but maybe it's that I'm afraid of losing them. My grandmother says each day is a blessing, and she's still happy to be here, but she's not necessarily afraid of death. I can't imagine myself ever being that way. I am absolutely afraid of dying, and writing this blog is making me feel the same things I was last night, so it has to be it.
I know this is kind of rambling, but it's been hard to figure out why I was upset last night. Why do I have to be so upset by even the thought of death? Is it because I've never lost someone that close to me? I think of my strong friends who have, and I can't fathom that pain. I've always thought it's better to love and to have lost then to never have loved at all, but when my thoughts lately are always about losing those that I love, it's hard to focus on the now.
That is an extreme exaggeration of course - I don't always think about death. But with TV shows and media these days, it's hard to not be faced with death all the time.

I think I need to stop thinking about this and go to bed, but I can't help but tailor what "Christianity" is in order to go with my desires - that all good people would go to Heaven. This is a whole different debate for a different day, but I want to see everyone I love up there, regardless of faith, and if God is so forgiving, just, and loving, how can that not be true? Definitely more on this later.

Odd personal webpages

2006-04-15T19:53:00.000-05:00

I noticed something recently I thought was funny. Every personal webpage I've seen that someone from MIT has made has their picture, likes, hobbies, links, and all that jazz, as most of those kinds of websites do. But then, they also post their resume. For whom? I don't know. Is it for an employer to check out what you look like on the beach before they check out your CV, or is it for your friends, whom you want to impress with your numerous awards and high GPA. It's just an odd combination that I don't get, but look for my resume here soon.

Not.